Too Strong
by Eightfortytwo
Summary: In the end, we were merely children playing at adulthood. It was as if we were still running around the back garden making a game out of war. Only now, words made things happen.
1. In My Place

_Disclaimer: Plot line original, characters borrowed. _

I was nestled in a common room window seat when I saw them out in the dark. Two figures, one running and the other chasing at full speed, headed right for that dreadful, dreadful willow tree.

I knelt on the threadbare cushions of the window seat and doused the lights around me to get a better look. Squinting into the night, I sighed in frustration before remembering my wand, and what I can do with it. Casting the appropriate charm was as simple and natural as a focused thought, and instantly my view was up close. As soon as I reoriented myself, my stomach dropped past my feet and landed in the dungeons.

Potter and Severus—I should have known. The altercation looked as if it might get physical, and I didn't give it a second thought—I grabbed my scarf and cloak and ran for the front doors.

My lungs and legs burned, and I didn't feel as if I was getting any closer. Frustrated, I ran faster, wishing I could just apparate. Something was wrong, terribly wrong, and it wasn't Severus I was worried about. That look in his eyes lately, the same determination, but gelled over with a white-hot loathing for everything around him frightened me. Potter was a grown bloke, always flanked by Black and Remus besides, and yet still the need to step in and protect—_Potter_ from _Severus_ was so, so, strong and that look about Severus told me why. I ran faster, fueled by an undiluted certainty that I would arrive too late.

When I was close enough to hear shouting I ducked behind a tree, with my hands on my knees waiting for the burning in my lungs to stop and that was when I heard it. Howls tore through the quiet night and sent spikes of pure fear shooting down my back. I knew what was howling, and my eyes were the only part of my body I could will to move as I scanned the darkened grounds for the _werewolf. _

I didn't look for long before I heard the scream. It pierced through my rib cage; and then I was running again. Severus was on the ground, his already pale face translucent and my first thought was _sweet Circe, he's dead. _A monstrous looking black dog herded the werewolf back toward the forest, snarling and baring its teeth but not going for a bite, as if it knew what could happen with a taste.

I ran toward Severus, not knowing what I'd do with him, hoping that the werewolf and the dog would be distracted long enough for me to do _something_. His chest was rising and falling at an alarming rate—but he was _alive._ I tried to stop the bleeding, and it wasn't working. The blood just kept coming; my hands were coated in it and I was much too panicked to notice the werewolf stop and sniff the caught a new scent, _my_ scent instantly and bounded across in my direction leaving me no time to think or to react. I closed my eyes and braced myself for the onslaught. It never came.

My eyes were closed, but I felt the silent ambush of _something _blindsiding the wolf and the awesome force with which it hit the ground. When I opened them again, the dog had the werewolf fully distracted, but I couldn't pause to feel the relief of my sudden escape. There, less than ten yards in front of where I was crouched over Severus was an enormous stag. Like the dog, it was bigger than any natural creature should be. It was majestic and terrifying; with its massive antlers casting jagged shadows over Severus and me. It edged closer and I was much too petrified to even shake. It stopped in front of me and lowered its head inch by inch until its eyes were level with mine. It only lasted a second, but it was enough. The _human_ look it gave me was unnatural on its face, and I could have absolutely _sworn _I'd seen those eyes before. He scooped Severus' limp body in his huge antlers and bounded at a full run toward the lights of the castle.

I looked after him and toward the lights and the noises coming from the castle and sagged in relief. People were running toward the stag and Sev, and I couldn't pause to think about the questions and the reactions of the teachers. The stag picked up the pace toward the running group, dropping Severus at their feet and taking off full speed toward the forest. I felt the chill in the air again for the first time since seeing the wolf, and suddenly it was too much—I lost consciousness.

I woke up in the hospital wing alone, disoriented and confused as to why I was not in my room. It was dark and I was cold even under the rough, but thick blankets. The hospital seemed empty and I was uncharacteristically unsure of myself. Unsure if my memories were real, and sod it all I _didn't like this_. Try as I might to chalk it up to a fever, or an over active imagination, or just a really sodding awful nightmare, in the back of my mind I knew it was real—all of it. James Potter chasing Severus and then suddenly disappearing and then the werewolf and the dog and—there was a crash across the wing.

"Would you stop making all that ruddy noise Wormtail? Things are mucked up enough—"

"And that's _your_ _bloody fault_ so stop picking on Pete." The voice was Potters; there was no mistaking it. And he sounded livid.

"You're staying up here with Moony, Padfoot. I'm going to bed." Each word was bitten out as if it were costing him dearly to control his speech.

"Prongs mate, we need to discuss—"

"Not tonight we don't. I'm tired."

"But Evans was down there tonight—she _saw_, we need to talk about this James."

"And I think I've already cleaned up after you enough tonight. Goodnight Sirius."

I closed my eyes and tried to breath evenly as they passed by. There was a pause in his steps and I could feel his eyes rake over me, making the hair on my arms stand straight up. It felt like forever and I wished he would just bloody well _go_ because pretending to sleep peacefully is not as easy as one would think. I opened my eyes slowly, praying he was gone and that I wouldn't give myself away.

Alone again, I slipped on my socks and held my shoes and things in the other hand, making my way slowly across the room to the partition where the noise was coming from. And there they were—Sirius black with his head in his hands and Remus Lupin, all cut up and bruised on the bed. At that moment, it almost faded to black and all I wanted was to be unconscious in my own damn bed. So I did something I'd become accustomed to doing—I ran.

I sprinted all the way back to the tower, in stocking-clad feet and a light head, still in shock. Severus was alive, he _had_ to be and though I couldn't, no, _wouldn't_ forgive him for what he's said a year ago, for spitting on going on six years of an _important_ friendship, I could not ever wish him dead because I was much too selfish.

The fat lady was snoring when I barked out the password, and was right put out with being woken up so late. Instead of waiting for her lecture, I pushed passed her reprimands and into the common room, careful not to make any noise. The fire was dead, sucking the life out of the common room and leaving something weary and dank in its stead. It was in this half-light that James Potter was sitting, head in his hands much like his best mate Sirius Black. It was in this half-light that I left him to his thoughts and ran up the stairs to try and forget mine.

Naturally, the head master sent for me. I knew it was coming and thought the worst. _ I had only been trying to help…_the excuse sounded feeble and pathetic and just _like the biggest lie I had ever told._ I knew there was nothing I could have done form the moment I head those howls. I kept going because…well I wasn't sure why. But as a prefect, I knew the rules. I should have informed McGonagall the _second_ I noticed the chase. Should have sounded the alarm. But I didn't, and whatever was coming I deserved it. I knew that Remus was related to all of this, he must have been out there with them, and that he was badly hurt. And that only served to make me feel worse. He was a friend, and considering the times those were far and few in between.

My guilty thoughts were swarming through my head so fast that I didn't notice my arrival until I was already spinning up the staircase and then there was Professor Dumbledore, who preferred to not be called headmaster. He was not smiling and I braced myself. For a reputation is everything and Albus Dumbledore had had over 100 years to build his.

In the end, I kept my prefect badge and was told clearly that my not being obliviated was contingent upon my not asking questions and _never_ talking about what I had seen. Because it could shatter what was left of Severus. Because it would cause unnecessary panic among the student body. Because Remus Lupin was a goddamn _werewolf_.

I was like a ghost for the remainder of the year, passing in and out of awareness. When I tried to fit the pieces together, it didn't make a damn bit of sense, and yet _it did_. Visiting his sick mother, out with Wizard's flu, and _blah, blah, blah. _ Always near the full moon. And always looking like hell for days after. It made so much sense I thought my head would explode from it all.

Severus had been moved to Saint Mungo's after the attack, and did not return for a month. I had not seen much of Potter or Black for that matter, and by now I could guess where Remus was. I felt the need to tell him that I knew, to reassure him that his secret was safe with me, but I didn't dare. What I _really_ wanted to do was find James bloody Potter and sit him down to get a good, long look at his eyes.

This of course proved to be damn near impossible. For all the chasing he'd done, and for all the complaining rejections I had spewed out, and despite the uneasy truce we'd reached over the passed year, he was now doing a damn good job of avoiding me. It was maddening, hunting him down only to be thwarted each-and-every time. His friend Black was no help at all, and even if he and Potter had been speaking, I doubt it would have mattered. Sirius Black was a brooding mess, but I couldn't help but agree with every simpering twit in years four through seven—he was pretty to look at. Sixth year was ending and I was (for the first time) not looking forward to returning home for the summer. I didn't know what I wanted, but I knew it involved having James sodding Potter _finally_ look me in the eye.

The train ride home found me holed up in a compartment alone, chin resting on my knees staring out the window and hearing Severus' scream tearing through my head on a loop over and over again. It had been keeping me up at night, and I felt like rubbish and knew I looked like shite.

I was pinching my cheeks and scrunching my face in the window when the door slid open, loud enough to make me realize what I was doing and jump up with a squeak. It was Remus, looking decidedly worse for the wear but not nearly as wretched as he'd seemed in that hospital bed.

My cheeks flushed and not from the pinching and scrunching. Despite the bruises and cuts, underneath, he was really quite handsome. The four of them were when you really thought about it, even their more rotund friend who often sat with Remus at Quidditch matches. His blue eyes were clear and though I'd never really had a thing for blue eyes, I could see now why most girls did.

"You're in here alone, are you?" He came in and slid the door shut, taking the seat across from mine.

It wasn't such a strange question to ask. Alice and Marlene hadn't even batted an eyelash when I broke apart from them and come to sit alone. I needed to think, or scream or both, and I didn't want anyone else to see me like that. It was trauma and I was sick of it, but there it was—following me all the way home. It made me think that maybe my sister was right after all; maybe all of this was not worth it compared to the normality, the _security _that living as a muggle offered.

I took a deep breath, and forced out a low, but steady, "yes".

"I think I know why." He looked out the window, meeting my eyes through our reflection in the glass and I knew what I was about to hear and wondered if this would count against me in the whole 'don't breath a word of it' scheme of things. Surely it didn't count if the werewolf I wasn't supposed to know about was the one to tell me that he was, in fact, a werewolf?

I swallowed. "You do?"

"It never gets any easier, almost killing someone. You would think that nature would take over and that it wouldn't affect me the next morning, or that I would grow to just bloody well accept it after eleven years, but I haven't and it doesn't and I can't tell you how fucking sorry I am about almost killing you. Especially you, Lily Evans. I don't know what Dumbledore told you, but," he pauses and takes a deep shuddering breath, which I cut off.

"I know."

He was looking at me, maybe wanting me to meet his gaze and I was still staring out the window. The hopelessness that poured out of him, like he was holding out his hands to the sky at a loss, reminded me so much of a younger Severus and I didn't want to think about it anymore. I couldn't forget it but I could push it back, damn it.

Before he could say anything more, I threw my arms around him and he sagged against me. I'd never hugged anyone that hard before, and it was a good feeling.

"You shouldn't have to apologize for who you are," I whispered fiercely, despite my residual fears, "so don't.

I'm sure what happened that night wasn't intentional, and that Severus being out there with Potter was a mistake, a terrible mistake, yeah? We should just all be glad that no one was—" I couldn't bring myself to say it, so he finished my sentence.

"Killed? Yeah. Focus on the sunny side, shall we? That's what James' would say." He still hadn't let me go completely, and I couldn't say I minded. It was nice, being held without any expectations.

"I won't tell," I whispered and he heaved a great sigh.

Just then the compartment door slammed open and we jumped apart as if something had stung us both. It was James Potter standing on the threshold, looking like dementors were pulling his soul out through his nose, or worse even; he was _letting _them do it.

"Padfoot's looking for you. Been up and down this whole ruddy train the two of us have. And I find you in the last place I ever though _you'd _be." Though I did not understand it, the inflection was not lost on me.

I felt my ears color as they often did when I was embarrassed, though what I had to feel ashamed of I didn't quite know. And frankly I thought, Potter should learn to bloody well knock.

Remus tugged on his sleeves and muttered, "All right there, Prongs?"

He ignored the question. "We've things to discuss, so if you'll excuse us Evans." He didn't wait for Remus to get up; he stiffly turned around and walked away. I was left sitting there staring at the wall while Remus made a hasty apology and ran after his mate. For once, the arrogant git Potter who I never paid much attention to (aside from defending innocent first years and thus being forced to deduct massive amounts of points _from my own bloody house, thank you very bleeding much)_ had managed to shut _me_ down completely.

The summer passed uneventfully and I found myself counting the days until September 1st with an even greater fervor than before. Home life was just so, well, _boring_. I had yet to come of age and that did not help the stagnation, or my… dissatisfaction with the way things just wouldn't move forward. Of course, even if I were free to practice magic outside of school it wouldn't have mattered. Petunia still threw an ungodly fit every time magic was even mentioned, never mind when she saw me with my wand out.

The only truly exciting moment came August 20th, when a standard Hogwarts post owl sailed through our kitchen window during breakfast and landed on Tunney's shoulder, snatching the bacon right off her fork. The shriek she let out was monumental, and had my mother scurrying about the house trying to calm her down while my father and I attempted to contain our (rather inappropriate) laughter.

Still chuckling, my father took the post from the owl (something he liked to do on the rare occasion he was there to do it), and handed it to me with an enormous grin on his face. The letter felt bulkier than usual, and my pulse raced as I opened it and felt the head girl's badge inside.

Petunia's aversion to magic did work to my advantage such as going to Diagon Alley sans parental supervision. It was bleeding wonderful, playing at adulthood. I sat outside Florean Forstescue's enjoying a scoop and a coffee (never been one for tea, bloody _un-British _of me as my dad would say) when Sirius Black plopped down in the seat in front of me without so much as a hello.

"You realize your ice cream is green Evans?" His grin was much too cheeky; I preferred him subdued and brooding.

"Can I help you?" I asked without looking up from my book.

"Not really. Saw you sitting here, alone, doing absolutely _devilish_ things to that ice cream cone and thought I'd come over and say hello."

"All right. Say it and be on your way then." As I should have expected, he snatched the book right from between my fingers. He thumbed through it without even glancing at the pages.

"So Lily dear, I must say that was quite a fright you gave us all last term." He winked at me, and I flushed. Like I said, infuriating but _pretty_.

I grabbed the book back and took a sip of the coffee and bite from the cone. "Oh yeah? How so?"

"Well," he leaned forward to whisper, "I hear from the grape vine, the extremely short grape vine mind you, that you have now joined the ever-privileged ranks of those who know about Moony's furry little problem. Welcome." I look up at his dead panned change of tone. I didn't know what in the bleeding hell to say so naturally my mouth ran ahead of me with the worst possible reply.

"What I know is none of your business and further more, you are the absolute _last_ bloody person I'd like to discuss it with Sirius Black," I hissed.

His eyebrows rose farther into his perfect (it wasn't fair really) hairline. "Oh, I _know_ he told you himself. After Dumbledore spilled the beans too. Cheeky old bastard."

"Yes, he did. And before you open your overused gob to ask, I understand the implications perfectly." I snapped my book shut; riled up and annoyed.

As usual, Black didn't miss a beat. "All right then Evans. From what I've heard you and Moony were awfully, er, _close_ when he told you."

Yes, he didn't miss a beat. But then neither did I.

"Why was Severus out there that night?"

"What's it to you?" he asked, his sunny disposition growing darker.

"Don't avoid the question. Someone had to have egged him on, I know him. And I know it wasn't Potter."

"What are you getting at?" He was gripping the chair, knuckles white, and that confirmed it.

"You told him, didn't you? You told him there was something to see. And you knew Remus would tear him to pieces. Bloody hell, what were you _thinking_?"

I was expecting an angry, biting response. Instead, he deflated and looked away.

"I wasn't. I wasn't at all, and that's the problem with me, yeah?" He let out a sardonic laugh.

The pause was uncomfortable, and I couldn't think of what to say.

"Speaking of Remus, what the bloody hell happened on the train Evans?"

The change of topic caught me extremely off guard, and I started a little.

'What's it to you?" was my absolutely _brilliant_ rejoinder.

"To me? Nothing, nothing at all." He smirked that awful smirk of his, and I wanted to knock it right off his too-pretty face.

"But don't you find it a right might well, insensitive to snog one of the best mates of the bloke that's been in love with you since third bloody year? I mean honestly Evans, boundaries!"

If he was attempting to get a rise out of me, well, it was working brilliantly. "I was absolutely _not_ snogging Remus! I was merely comforting a friend! And I _do not_ owe James bleeding Potter or you for that matter one single ounce of an explanation, thank you very bleeding much, so you can piss off, Black!"

Sirius chuckled. "Language head girl, language. I was merely going by what I heard. Glad to have—"

"How'd you know I got head girl?" I interrupted. It seemed minute considering the conversation we were just having but I wanted to know nonetheless.

"Oh it's the talk of the town! 'Muggle-born witch makes head girl!' Personally, I think it's bloody fucking brilliant." He smiled and lit a cigarette with his wand.

He sat there, nonchalant with his feet up on the table as if he hadn't a care in the world, but it was no secret that Sirius was the black sheep of his family, literally. He was the first Black in the long and distinguished family not to be sorted into Slytherin. Shame and dishonor were words that got tossed about regularly at his house during the Christmas holidays, and he often chose to spend them at the castle instead.

"At least you're not inbred." He waggled his eyebrows, and I fought not to laugh.

"Well, I'm off to Slug and Jiggers," he said as he rose to leave. "See you on the train then?"

"What could you possibly need there?" The words were out of my mouth before I really thought about it, and _he_ was standing behind Sirius before I could do anything to retract what I said. Bugger.

He was big. And by that I mean he had grown wider in the shoulders and chest so that he could finally be called proportional. His hair still stuck out in all directions, and his shoulders still slumped a little and I was glad to see that filling out hadn't changed much else about him. I was craving consistency, even if he still was arrogant as ever. Maybe I had grown to admire that? I wasn't sure.

"Obviously potions ingredients, Evans."

"You aren't in NEWT level potions, Black you're name wasn't on the—".

"This is somewhat…extracurricular love. Besides, our head boy here _somehow_ managed to get into Sluggie's good graces and so his kit needs replenishing, yeah mate?"

My eyes went wide, I'm sure of it because the look on James' face turned from guarded to absolutely mutinous. "Head boy? You? But I thought Remus—".

His lips pressed into a thin line. "Thought what exactly Evans, that a troublemaker like me would never make it that high up? Expecting someone a little more—"

"I _thought_ that the head boy was to be selected from the already existing pool of prefects, and thus I was expecting Remus. Sorry to offend Potter, and honestly whatever bloody else you're angry about, don't take it out on the rest of us who haven't done anything to deserve your ire, you arrogant arse."

He narrowed his lovely hazel eyes, and Sirius was looking between his best mate and me, clearly worried about something.

"Done nothing, have you? Done nothing—"

And Sirius stepped in, just in time. "All right mate, let's get a move on before you say something you'll regret later." Sirius grabbed a glaring and fuming James by the arm, smiled apologetically back at me and dragged him off in the direction of the apothecary. I was left with a half melted cone and a luke-warm coffee, wondering what the hell I had done to make Potter so bloody angry.

Muggle London was never a relief. It was noisy and smelly, and I absolutely _hated_ it. But it wasn't bad all the time. I was at the drive in theatre's replay the classics night, alone, and about three hundred metres off the ground sitting on a petrol station sign watching _Love Story_ and feeling a wee bit sorry for myself. Having a reckless law –breaking (former) boyfriend had allowed me the luxury of learning to apparate before the ministry sanctioned classes, and I reveled in the thrill of it. The film was starting and I settled into my blanket and smiled half-heartedly at the one thing that isolated me from everyone below. Petunia loved coming here with her rather, _portly_ boyfriend and for a second I was jealous. Dates in Hogsmead were _different_, but the drive in was magical in its own way.

I was so engrossed in the film that I never heard the soft pop of apparition, and it was no wonder I jumped ten bleeding metres in the air when he sat down wordlessly next to me.

"Gotta say Evans, never thought I'd see you up here, watching _this _of all things."

How casually he was addressing me, when less than six hours ago he looked ready to breath fire in my direction. It confused me, which annoyed me, and we were 300 hundred bloody metres in the air and I had no where to go but home, which was the last place I wanted to be two nights before leaving for school.

"I'm sorry to have inconvenienced you, James. But I was here first." I didn't take my eyes from the screen as I spoke, not because I was still interested in what was going on, but because I couldn't look at him.

"Ah, still annoyed then. I see." And at this, my head snapped in his direction so fast I wound up sputtering hair before I could speak.

"Yes. Yes, I bloody well am. You spend three years tormenting me, one year fooling me into thinking you're finally bleeding normal, only to treat me like dirt clinging to your robes. Now you show up on _my _bleeding petrol sign, out of bleeding nowhere I might add, and act like everything is just bleeding rosy. I would just like to know what in the bleeding hell I've done to make you so _angry_," I snarled.

"You overuse the word _bleeding_. It loses its effect after about the fourth time. And I didn't follow you here. I like coming here to watch the films. Never thought anyone else would be mad enough to apparate 300 meters off the ground to watch muggles torture themselves, but there you have it and here we are."

I blinked, and he continued, "You didn't do anything to make me angry," he paused and collected himself, "at least not directly. I don't know, after all these years I guess I'm just sick to death of fancying a girl like you. Maybe I am a prat, an arrogant toe rag, or whatever else it was you called me. And maybe you were right at the time. Maybe Snape had it coming, maybe he didn't. But I just want you to know that all I saw that day was the way he was talking to you. When I hexed him right stupid, it was because _no one_ was going to call you a mudblood in my presence and get away with it. For six bloody years you were all I could see Lily Evans, all I wanted to see. And I think now it's time for me to start looking somewhere else, yeah?"

I should have nodded, should have put him out of his misery, but I didn't. I held still and prayed he'd go on, because I didn't know what to say.

"Problem is Lily, I'm not sure I know how to. When I saw you curled around Remus I…well I removed myself from the situation before I did something to my mate that I'd only regret later." He swallowed, and I looked at him, I mean really _looked_ at him, like I'd never bothered to in almost seven years, realizing just then that I might have made a mistake somewhere along the line.

"I was hugging Remus because he had just sat down and told me he is a _werewolf_. He was pale, and afraid and so was I, and I think I needed it more than he did. He was apologizing for almost having killed me, and I…well I shouldn't have been out there in the first place, yeah? But I saw you chasing Severus from the window, and I was…compelled to run out there like a blithering idiot. Who knows what might have happened. But that was it; it was just a hug between friends. And I don't know why I'm telling you all this." I ran my fingers through my hair, catching the knots and tangles and taking a breath, wondering why in the ruddy hell I was missing _Love Story_ to explain this all to James Potter. And then it hit me.

"Where did you go?" I asked, with my fingers still in my hair and my arm half blocking my view of him.

"Pardon?" The innocent tone might have worked had he not begun to sweat slightly.

"Don't pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about. I know you were there, you were the reason I left the castle in the first place. When I got out there, it was just Severus bleeding and Remus transformed and some animals that came out of nowhere. But you were gone. When I woke up in the hospital I could have _sworn_—"

"I went to get the headmaster." I knew he was lying, I didn't know how I knew but I _knew._

"And you just left him there did you? I don't believe you. You're a lot of things, but I know that murder escapes you."

His face hardened again, and for a second I thought he wasn't going to answer me.

"I thought he was running behind me. It happened very fast, and by the time I reached the passage he wasn't there. I figured it was best to run to Dumbledore."

"Passage?"

"That broken statue of Rowena Ravenclaw in the courtyard? If you turn the diadem to the left the statue moves aside and there's a tunnel that leads into the castle."

"How long have you known about Remus?" I asked.

He was picking at the hem of his jeans, and I thought it strange to see him dressed like a muggle. Dressed like me.

"Since third year. Sirius and I knew there was something going on with all those "sick mum" stories. So we followed him and Dumbledore one night just as the moon was waxing full. We've been the only three students to know up until you and Snape."

I felt like I'd trespassed on sacred ground. Like I didn't belong. And he probably felt the same way.

"You're a strong lot, you are." I turned back to the screen, just as Oliver was telling his father that love meant never having to say you were sorry. And I finally understood that.

"We must be," he answered, after a long, long pause.

"My sister hates me," I said, resting my chin on my knees. "And it's sad because whenever I think about it, it makes me wish that I'd never gotten that bleeding letter. That I'd never let Severus and magic and just being so _different_ come between me and Tunney."

"I think Severus Snape is a death eater. And that makes him an idiot on two fronts," he said.

I tensed up because he'd just voiced my greatest fear. "How do you figure that?" I asked quietly, but I already knew the answer.

"I don't think I need to tell you that. And I don't think it really matters, yeah? What matters is that he's an odd bloke who chose a mad man over you. Like I said, an idiot, twice over."

"He was my first friend, besides my sister, and then he was my only friend. Truth is, I've always been a bit odd myself you know? Even growing up muggle, having been told that magic was only in books and on the telly I knew different, I felt it.

Remember first year when you told me my head looked like it was on fire?"

He chuckled, "I meant that in the best possible way, Evans."

I sniggered in response. "Well, it made me angry because secretly, I agreed with you. I hate being a red head. Always have. My mother and my sister are both blond as can be and I've always stuck out like sore thumb. I wanted to be away from all that, you know?"

He twirled a lock of my hair around his finger. "Don't be daft, Evans. Even Snivellus knows it; you're bloody beautiful. And much too pale to look good as a blond."

I rolled my eyes and noticed the screen had gone black and the cars were all pulling away. Soon we'd be in the dark.

"Congratulations on making head boy, even if this proves once and for all that Dumbledore has gone round the twist. I'll see you on the train, James." Without waiting for an answer I apparated into my bedroom and got under the covers just as my mother was opening my door.


	2. Seeping Through the Walls

The first Saturday back was thankfully _not_ a Hogsmead Saturday. The 7th year workload was unforgiving and relentless; it seemed that no matter how much effort I put in, the scrolls of parchment never shrank. Add that to being head girl, and it could be said that I had become slightly dependant on pepper-up potion. Alice and Marlene called it a full on addiction, but as far as I was concerned they had it easy.

So I decided to take that morning off from anything that had the word _responsibility _attached to it and have a bit of a lie-in. Sunlight trickled in through the drawn hangings around my bed and as I watched the dust dance in the light, I thought of Severus Snape.

I'd distracted myself with trivialities, just so I'd not think about losing someone who had been very dear to me. He had been more than a friend; he was a brother and a comfort for when Petunia shut me out of her life. I'd already lost one sibling and to have another slap me in the face was still painful to think about. However despite my efforts against it, when I was alone with nothing to do my mind would inevitably stray back toward that taboo subject. My heart would beat a little too fast and my eyes would water, and that was when I put a stop to thinking at all.

I shook my head, threw back the covers and drew open the hangings. I was never the sort of person to wallow and I wasn't about to begin now, over Severus Snape of all people. It was over, wasn't it? That was what I had said as I let the portrait slam behind me fifth year, and I meant it still.

The dorm was empty and the clock on the wall told me that I had missed breakfast. I decided to nip down to the kitchens and pay my first visit to the Hogwarts house elves that had fed me during many late night study sessions.

I felt so bloody normal, dressed in jeans and a jumper that I almost regretted forgoing my robes. I struggled between not wanting to give anyone a reason to doubt that I belonged at Hogwarts and thumbing my nose at the whole institution. I wasn't the only witch in the castle who donned muggle dress on the weekends, damn it. Even the 'pure bloods' did it. I should be proud of where I came from, shouldn't I?

Distracted by my slightly self-deprecating musings, I naturally wasn't watching where I was walking. It was only a matter of time before I slammed into something, hard .

The regal face of Regulus Black stared down at me with obvious disdain and I went cold, despite myself. Sirius' younger and (if the rumors were true), dangerous brother had inherited his family's prejudice and their taste for dark magic. He had mostly kept to himself up until last year, when he began regurgitating the pure blood propaganda much more publicly.

Mustering what dignity I could, I pushed my shoulders back and brushed myself off, making to apologize and be on my way. Unfortunately, Mr. Black the younger had something to say.

"You ought to watch where you're going mudblood. One day, you might find yourself at the end of the wrong wand." His voice was dripping with poison, but my stare burned it away.

I fingered my wand in my back pocket. He took a step back, and then grinned, probably thinking that I was going for a hex. Instead, I drew it and pointed it in the general direction of the great hall, saying very quietly, "20 points from Slytherin for threatening another student, and another 20 for using an expletive. Really, Black, being a prefect you ought to know better."

I could see what he was going to do before he did it because honestly, I'd provoked it. I'd been feeling unsettled and was itching to pick a fight I could win.

He drew his wand and before the curse even formed on his lips I sent a silent _Expelliarmus_ his way, fueled by three months of frustration and seven years of pent up aggression. He stumbled back slightly as his wand sailed quickly into my out stretched palm.

His eyes darkened and his breathing became shallow. It was at this point that I should have begun to worry.

"Give me back my wand," he said in a quiet tone laced with an unspoken threat.

"You can have your wand when you collect it from professor Slughorn. And that'll be another 10 points from Slytherin for drawing your wand in the corridors."

He looked positively murderous, and I turned to leave, harboring a smug sense of satisfaction for having royally pissed him off while staying within the boundaries Hogwarts' code of conduct.

I was certainly not expecting for him to grab the back of my sweater so hard that I almost fell into him. Quickly, I turned around and twisted his arm behind his back, slamming him face first into the stone wall.

"You jumped-up mudblood bitch!" He had trouble getting it all out in one breath because I'd done a right fine job of knocking the wind out of him.

"You really do not want to get into a physical altercation with someone who has twice your experience in muggle dueling, Regulus. It could end badly for you," I said still not letting him go as he struggled to shake me off. It must have been the adrenaline coursing through me, or my anger fueling my muscles, because I was doing a fine job of holding him still and he was almost twice my size.

"You see that shiny badge on your jumper there Evans? By the end of today, I'm going to make sure you never see it again!"

"You sure about that Reg?" We both turned our heads and there was Sirius Black and James Potter, wands drawn and looking calm as ever.

"Way I see it," Potter began, leaning against the wall and pretending to examine his nails, "I'm head boy and I just saw the head girl put on quite a show of defending herself from a completely unwarranted attack." He moved closer and I let go of Regulus' arm.

James came nose to nose with Sirius' brother and let out quietly, "way I see it, you're nothing but a baby snake caught in the lion's den for the taking, aren't you?"

Regulus wasn't stupid. He looked between James and me and finally his eyes rested on his older brother who was leaning against the wall trying his best to look bored.

"Why are you looking at me, he's the one with the wand. Besides, I distinctly remember you saying that your decisions were your own. And I'm inclined to agree with Evans here. You're not only wandless and out-numbered, but Evans here has a brilliant left hook." He winked at me, and I struggled with feeling proud and being disgusted with my lack of self-control. I threw his wand at his feet.

"You have ten seconds to get out of my sight before I recommend to the head master that he remove your badge."

"You can't do—"

"I can, and I will, now bugger off!"

He collected his wand and shoved James and Sirius out of the way before stomping off muttering something like _this isn't over_ under his breath.

After his exit from the corridor, the silence between the three of us was deafening. James was looking at me with a strange expression on his face, his hands half way to his hair before he stopped himself and shoved them into his pockets. Sirius was looking at me as if he were re-evaluating me from head to toe. I felt like an insect pinned down under a magnifying glass.

Finally, Sirius spoke. "Bloody good show Evans, but I wouldn't suggest a repeat performance, yeah? My brother really is a conniving little wanker and he's quite creative when it comes to causing pain."

I couldn't help but be a little insulted. "I was doing just fine before you lot showed up," I said attempting to keep the indignation out of my voice. "I can look after myself, thank you."

"No one said otherwise," James said. " Just be careful. Next time, he won't be alone."

The veiled threats, and suspicion were new to me. This was Hogwarts, a school, where we were supposed to be sheltered at least for a time. That morning, it was made clear to me; the fight wasn't coming, it was already here.

Potter and Black accompanied me to the kitchens, claiming that they had been heading there anyway. There wasn't much I could do about it, and honestly despite my knee jerk reaction and brave face, I didn't want to walk alone. In fact, given my propensity to think too much when alone it was a bad idea all around.

"I can't believe I just did that," I said once we were settled at a table in the kitchens.

"Frankly Evans, neither can we. I think I like this new side of you. Dead sexy, this whole independent bird thing." Sirius was hiding his discomfort behind another waggle of the eyebrows and a smirk.

I rolled my eyes. "Shut up Sirius. Just please—shut up."

"What happened, Evans?" James was staring at me as if he'd never seen me before, and I wasn't so sure that I didn't like it.

"I was headed here because I missed breakfast and I wasn't watching where I was going. I was preoccupied thinking about how I was dressed like a muggle and probably shouldn't be of all things and I ran into him, literally. He knocked me backwards, called me a mudblood, threatened me in that round about way they all have with muggleborns, so I docked points, he went to hex me and I just…let him have it."

"Itching to pick a fight, were you?" I looked up at him, and he was trying not to grin.

"Yes."

"A fight you were sure you could win?"

_ "Yes."_

"And how do you feel now?" His voice was quiet, like in the hall with Regulus, but it felt different when he directed it toward me. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Sirius watching us, his eyes darting back and forth like he was watching a tennis match.

I took a deep breath and considered not admitting it at all. "I feel bloody wonderful."

He smiled. "Let me give you a tip, Evans. When you put on a bloody _brilliant_ show of putting a git like Regulus in his place, don't ever apologize for it. If you'd given him the chance, you'd be in the hospital now, make no mistake."

"He's right Evans. My brother isn't just another snot-nosed sixth year playing a game. He's got people he thinks he needs to impress, people besides our parents, and Regulus isn't the sort to do anything by halves."

They looked so much older than seventeen just then. I found myself longing for the days when they rigged pranks just elaborate enough to impress rather than anger Dumbledore, when they picked on first years, and when James pulled my hair to see if it would really burst into flames.

James brushed the hair away from my face and tucked it behind my ear. "If you're angry Evans, be angry. Don't hide it, because it doesn't suit you. And Merlin knows it would be a crime to not see you in those jeans every weekend." Before I could respond, they got up and walked away chuckling, and I was blushing.

* * *

Marlene and Alice were the only others I told about the incident in the hallway, and then I never spoke of it again. But it didn't matter; everyone already knew. Regulus Black tried to attack the head girl and she gave him the what-for. It had Slytherin glaring daggers in our direction and Gryffindor glowering back at them. Despite all the pats on the back and the words of support, when the rush of it wore off, I regretted the whole situation.

Head's duties were the only times I saw James outside of class, and I only grew more confused. What was worse was that I was much too embarrassed to tell anyone anything about it. Marlene and Alice knew there was something odd going on, and whenever they would ask I'd brush it off. Eventually they stopped asking.

How could I explain what I didn't understand myself? That I thought Sirius Black was beautiful in his own dark and twisted way. That I shivered every time I thought about Potter touching my hair. That suddenly, he wasn't _Potter_ anymore and I was worried I would always be _Evans_. That I had no idea when all my carefully drawn lines had been washed away, and now that they were gone, I had _no bleeding idea_ WHAT to do with myself. How do you explain that you don't know how to be free?

* * *

It was two nights before the full moon in October of seventh year. Remus was already feeling the effects of the change; they came on stronger as he got older. He was spending the night in the hospital wing, isolated and adding to the ruse that he was ill. I snuck out after hours (this was becoming a habit) to give him more of the wolfsbane I'd brewed to help with the pain of the change and give him more control, and wound up staying to keep him company.

"Does Pomfrey know you're here then?" He asked with a grin.

" 'Course not. No one can know that I abuse my authority like this. It's…unbecoming," I teased back as I slipped him a vial.

He uncorked it and threw it down in one shot. "Bleeding hell this tastes like giant's piss. You'd think it'd get easier."

"So you're in the habit of imbibing giant's piss, are you?" I hugged my knees to my chest on the armchair I was occupying as he began to relax into the pillows.

"Hilarious, Evans." He sighed, "It may taste like shite twice over, but it really takes the edge off. Thank you, Lily."

"You're welcome, Remus." I smiled a tiny smile of satisfaction mixed with sadness. If ever there was a boy who did not deserve to suffer it was Remus Lupin. I was always amazed by how it hardened him and how he kept that hardness in check.

The curtains parted and Sirius Black stuck his dark head in, looking around before stepping through completely, his arms laden with parcels that smelled absolutely divine.

"All right there, Moony? We snuck you some decent food mate, no one deserves this hospital crap they feed you here." Black looked over at me after putting down the food parcel, as if just realizing I was sitting there.

"Oi, Evans beat us to him did you?" I laughed.

"Suppose I did. Although it seems like your gift is a bit better than mine," I said, nodding toward the food he was unpacking.

"Might be, might be." He shook his head as he turned around to face me. His expression was incredulous for a moment, and I was confused. "Can't get over it though," he said and my eyebrows rose without my meaning for them to.

"Sorry? Get over what?" At this, Remus opened his eyes and stopped smiling, shooting Sirius a look that didn't stop him from talking.

"You, Lily dear. The Head Girl, breaking rules and brewing illicit potions right under Sluggy's nose. It would be brilliant under any circumstance, but the fact that it's _you?_ Makes it even better." He smirked and I frowned, not sure I knew where this was going and that I would like it if I figured it out.

Before I had a chance to retort, _he_ walked in.

"Wotcher Moony, how are you fee—"

He caught sight of me sitting and stared, mussing his hair the same way he always did when he felt awkward. Things were changing and changing fast, and though I have never fancied consistency in my routine, I was craving it now. Certain people were for liking, others were for loving, some were made for hating, and others for ignoring. I had a firm grip on where everyone stood until Severus decided my blood was hindering his ambitions. Now I hadn't the slightest idea where any of the proverbial chess pieces known as my relationships went and it was all making me quite dizzy.

I cleared my throat, and he looked down. "I'll leave you boys to it then. See you in a few days Remus; I hope the potion helps." I nodded at Sirius and dared to squeeze James' arm on my way out. He caught my hand and handed me a small folded square of cloth. The material felt like water in my hands.

"Take this, so you don't get pinched by Filch. I'll meet you back in the common room. He was close enough that I could feel his whisper and all I could do was nod. He swung the cloak over me, and I knew what it was. If anyone at Hogwarts would have one it would be him. James bleeding Potter was in possession of an invisibility cloak, and in violation of Circe only knew how many school rules. Typical.

Fifteen minutes later I was agonizing over my short attention span and cursing transfiguration. I hadn't felt that silly since dating Fabian Prewitt. In fact, I distinctly remembered swearing to never feel that silly again. Squaring my shoulders, I lit a fire and restarted my essay. Transfiguration was easy to get lost in when you didn't understand _one bloody word_ of it. While mastering the concepts behind anamagi transformations sounded like good fun in theory, the practice of it was escaping me.

I was still there an hour later, sitting on the floor against the sofa with parchment spread over the center table and ink staining everything up to my elbows, when he walked back in alone. I didn't take notice because I was too occupied with banging my head against the table in frustration.

"That doesn't help you know," he said casually. He picked up the cloak that I had draped over the sofa in the empty common room and began folding it. I took this as an excuse to change the subject and distract myself from the disaster that was my essay.

"I'm not even sure why I'm asking, but where on earth did you get that?"

He smirked and for a second his old, arrogant, self shined through the new quiet, contemplative, James. It made me smile.

"Family heirloom. You look suspiciously like Peter during a Charms exam," he said as he took the chair across from where I sat on the floor.

"Brilliant segway," I commented on his not-so-subtle change of subject. "And yes, transfiguration escapes me. Always has."

He crinkled his eyes as if the very idea was a foreign to him. "Escapes you?" He grabbed my messy essay and my discarded quill and went to work before I could stop him.

I went to sleep hours earlier than I had originally intended, with a much clearer understanding of human to animal transformation, the three basic principles of transfiguration, and plenty of free space in my mind to be confused about other things. Such as the new sides of three blokes who I never expected to take a shine to, one in particular who made my stomach twist in a completely unfamiliar way.


	3. A Simple Quiet

It was raining. Again. When we'd left for the greenhouses the skies had been overcast and grey, but we had been hopeful that perhaps the rain would hold off until we were safely back in the castle. Upon further reflection, this was Scotland and I was never that lucky. The first drop hit the glass slowly, and I was so engrossed in not having the tantacula leaves bite off one of my fingers that I did not notice until Marlene let out her first string of profanity of the day.

"Bloody, sodding, hell it's started," she said loud enough for Professor Putrit to hear. He was an old, lanky man who we were all sure would be joining the ranks of the esteemed ghost faculty of Hogwarts very, very soon. Unfortunately for Marlene and the rest of Gryffindor house, the old buzzard had spectacular hearing, and absolutely no sense of humor.

"That will be 10 points from Gryffindor for the use of expletives, and 10 more for disruptive behavior during class Miss McKinnon. And you, Miss. Evans as head girl really ought to keep your friends in line." He glared at our corner of the greenhouse before turning around and hobbling back toward his desk.

I turned my head a glared at Marlene. "Why is it," I began under my breath, "that every time you decide to cock up, I somehow manage to be implicated, even when I have absolutely _nothing_ to do with it?"

"Comes with the territory love," she answered with all the cheek in the world, despite just costing us our meager twenty-point lead on Slytherin for the cup. "Any association with yours truly involves risk and sacrifice," she said, grunting with the effort of pulling out the leaves.

Alice rolled her eyes from across the small table. With great force for one so small, she yanked the leaves off the horrible plant with an expert hand and no effort. I was of course, jealous.

"What I don't understand," said Alice mid-yank, "is how in the world _that_ man is head of Hufflepuff house. _Hufflepuff._ He's awful. I don't understand it at all."

I wiped at the light sheen of sweat that was forming on my brow as I worked. The rain had barely begun and already the greenhouse was bloody humid. "You never know," I grunted, "perhaps once upon a time he wasn't this wretched."

Marlene scoffed as Alice quietly agreed with me. We kept working, pulling and sorting the vicious little buggers and as my friends prattled on, I began to feel the fine hairs on my neck rising. I glanced up and out the glass walls and saw what I thought was a person dart away. When I looked again, they were gone. Suddenly nervous, I darted my eyes around the room but nothing seemed out of place. Alice and Marlene were there, oblivious. Dorcas was across the room working with Remus and trying to control her blush. The Ravenclaws were scattered through, with Benjy Fenwick's long-ish sideburns standing out among them. Nothing was wrong. And yet I could not shake the feeling that someone was just out of sight, watching me. My hands had stopped moving as I tried to get a hold of myself and quell the ever growing sense of unease that had suddenly erupted inside me.

"Lily, you all right there, love?" Alice's comment had sprung me out of my reverie so fast that I dropped my pruning shears.

"What?" I bent down to pick up the shears and tried to control the sudden onset of panic.

"You're white as nearly headless Nick," said Marlene, putting her shears down and leaning over to look at me. "What's the matter?"

"I'm fine," I lied, "just a bit peaky all of a sudden."

"It'll be lunch soon. Perhaps you just need a bite to eat," offered Alice as she gathered all our leaves and separated them into their containers.

"All right there seventh years," wheezed Putrit, "sort your leaves and be prepared to soak them in the extracting solution next week." I silently thanked Merlin for small mercies as he dismissed the class.

"What's wrong with Lily?" asked Dorcas. I barely heard her. All I could focus on was getting through the crowd and out the door. Someone was watching me, I was sure of it. The sky had darkened considerably and a sudden flash of lightening struck, illuminating the outside. That was when I saw him.

Severus Snape was standing outside the greenhouses, still as a statue and staring right at me. The boy I knew was gone, my friend was _gone_. In his place was a man, a stranger and in the unnatural glow of the lighting he looked...soulless. It was pouring rain, and yet he was dry. The thunder struck but a few seconds later and while everyone jumped and a few shouted at the sound, I sagged in relief. My knees were shaking so badly I wasn't sure I'd be able to move on my own.

"I saw him," said Marlene from behind me. She wrapped an arm around my shoulders and steered me out of the greenhouse. Alice cast impermeable charms on all of us, and I don't recall who was holding the umbrella. I barely remember the walk back up to the castle. Severus' face had burned its way into my consciousness, and I couldn't get it out.

When we reached the great hall for lunch, I stopped short and the girls stopped with me.

"I don't want to go in there," I said. I looked up to see the confused faces of Alice and Dorcas, and the curious glances of the students who had stopped to watch.

"All right then," Marlene said quietly. "Let's head back up to the tower, shall we? Alice will nick us something to eat, won't you Alice?"

Alice looked confused, but cooperated for the moment. "Of course I will. You should take her to see Madame Pomfrey," she said, hoisting her bag higher on her shoulder. "She doesn't look well." I didn't have the mind to tell her not to talk about me like I wasn't there. Because to be honest, I wasn't.

The last thing I heard was Sirius Black asking Dorcas, "what's the matter with Evans?"

When we were back in the common room, Marlene handed me a tall glass of water and sat me down on the sofa. She waited patiently for me to speak. It was a while before I found my voice.

"I felt him before I saw him. I don't know why I'm so afraid, why I'm reacting like this. It's only Severus after all. But that look on his face, I swear I thought he was going to—"

"I know," she interrupted. "I saw it as well. I saw the way he was looking at you," she said.

"Did you see how he was dry as a bone, and how it was pouring rain? No one can cast a charm that well, not even me, and I'm telling you right bloody now that he is absolute crap at charms." I took a healthy swig of water.

"I saw. Something isn't right that's for certain, and I've been telling you for years that he's a bad sort. But I don't think that's a reason to fear him. It's a reason to be cautious, that's all."

I thought about what to say for a long time before I said it. There was reason, and there was how I truly felt, and at that moment they did not coincide. So I decided to lie. "You're right, you're absolutely right. I'm head girl, and I…I won't let him win. He startled me, yes. But if he thinks he's going to scare me out of anything he's got another thing coming." I squared my shoulders and took a shaky but deep breath, faking a resolve I didn't yet have. "I'm going down to lunch."

Marlene smiled wide. "Yes, yes you are."

On the way down, we ran into Alice, whose arms were laden with food. She raised an eyebrow, slightly annoyed at having to take a risk for no reason.

"Well then, if you insist on eating down there anyway, you're both helping me carry this back down, and should we get caught _you two_ are explaining, not me." She was a bit put out, but relieved that I had reconnected with the rest of the waking world.

We entered the hall and I looked for Severus, first thing. He was sitting at his table sandwiched between McNair and Avery. He looked up, feeling my stare and I looked him in the eye for the first time in a long time. My hands were shaky, but we were across the room and my stare did not waver. It was a challenge, and a stupid one on my part because I knew he would answer it, he didn't have a choice. It was only a matter of time.

I looked away and turned to my table, sitting in the first available seat next to Remus. He turned his pretty grey eyes to mine and asked ever so quietly if I was all right. I nodded and tucked into my food. Potter was sitting across from me, shooting me inquisitive looks, which I ignored. He nudged my knee under the table and nodded across the room at Severus, raising an eyebrow. I shook my head, hoping he would leave it alone. As always when it came to James Sodding Potter, I should have known better.

I had cleared the doors of the hall and was almost to the stairs, when he grabbed me by the elbow so fast I had no time to scream.

"What happened during Herbology?" he asked, hiking his bag higher on his shoulder and pushing his glasses up his nose.

"Nothing. I got a little dizzy is all. I'm fine now." I made to leave and he grabbed my shoulder and spun me back around.

"Bollocks. You went white in the face and when that lightning struck, I saw who was standing outside. Is he threatening you?" I'd never seen his face so grave, his mouth was set in a line, no smile in his eyes. I lied again.

"No, he isn't. And even if he were, it's none of your business. I've told you before, I can look after myself."

"I'm head boy, if there is-"

"I've already told you, let it alone damn it!" People were stopping to stare now and I shrugged his hand off me and stomped off, which was not unusual at all when it came to the two of us.

I put on a brave face, because I was good at it. I'd be damned if anyone would know how rattled I was. How I looked in the mirror every morning and yelled at myself to keep it together.

* * *

I'd become an old hand at the cushioning charm, mostly because of the window seat in the south facing corner of the common room. It was flat from years of use and had never been replaced. It was my favorite place in the common room. I had rounds in a half hour; it was the head students' week to patrol. I was dreading the walk around the castle, dreading the stares and sneers of the Slytherins, though the looks were not concentrated to one house. Although the Slytherin students were the most outspoken in their views, there were Ravenclaws, Hufflepuffs, and even some Gryffindors that advocated for a 'purer' Hogwarts. The funny thing was, I found it slightly unfair how the Slytherins were automatically pegged as bigots, no matter what their personal views. Irony aside, I was growing more nervous every day, and Marlene knew it.

"Shove over, Evans." Before I could move, Marlene shoved my feet away and sat down opposite me in the small alcove. She handed me a chocolate frog and opened her own.

"Nicked them from Remus. Best to destroy the evidence before he realizes he's been robbed, yeah?" I managed a half smile before taking a small bite.

"So you have rounds tonight," she stated.

"Yes." I took another bite, hoping a full mouth would keep me from having to answer any more questions.

"With Potter?" I nodded and kept looking out the window.

"This means you'll be leaving the tower." She leveled her blue eyes at me, sweeping her long blond hair behind her.

"Suppose it does," I said, slightly annoyed. I knew where this conversation was headed and I was not in the mood to explain myself.

"You said you weren't going to let him win Lily. That day, you walked in and glared at him, and I have to say I've never been more proud. But then you crawled back into the tower and have been cowering ever since. Why?" she demanded, and I frowned.

"Maybe I don't feel like being brave anymore. Maybe I'm bloody tired of putting on a show for this whole sodding school, just so they think that they think I'm worthy despite my little muggle handicap. Perhaps I need a bloody rest Marlene."

"You're full of it. And you know it. You're scared of him. I don't blame you; I would be as well. However, this is not you. I don't care if you're tired, or scared, or bloody anything else. I know you, and you never go down without a fight. Trust me when I say this, this damsel in distress bit, hiding in a tower and waiting for them to come and get you, this isn't you. Lily Evans may not start fights, but she sodding finishes them. When Lily Evans is down, she takes two or three down with her. So snap the bloody hell out of it, because I want my best mate back!" She'd raised her voice a great deal and now several first and second years were staring. I hated being stared at.

I didn't answer her. There was nothing to say. I looked down at my watch and mumbled something about being late for rounds. I got down from the window seat and went around the corner into the common room proper, meaning to wait for James by the portrait hole, and hoping he wasn't feeling talkative. Fortunately he saw the look on my face, the way I was worrying my lower lip between my teeth and said nothing.

We walked in silence for the first hour, without any direction. Even if we had found anyone out after hours, I was not in the mood to deal with them. I was lethargic from being on edge all the time; I had no energy left to scold children. James bounced between starting straight ahead and then at me. I didn't have it in me to be annoyed. I was drained from being on my guard all the time, and it was through my exhaustion that I noticed that _finally_ my back wasn't against a wall.

It wasn't that it was _him,_ specifically. It was that it was _someone_ who I didn't feel threatened by. More than that, it was someone I knew would not defend me, or try to protect me, but would have my back in a fight. It wasn't stifling; it was safe.

When we reached the seventh floor, I let out a breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding.

"Better then?" he asked. There was no trace of his snark or arrogant cheek. It was a simple and polite question, and it deserved a simple and polite answer.

"Yes, better. Thank you."

"Brilliant." He smiled and ruffled his hair some. "Well then, we should head up to the astronomy wing and clear out the tower before we check the dungeons. It's closer and probably more interesting."

"I reckon you're right," I answered in a voice that was raspy from such infrequent use. He led the way, and we were quiet again. It was so easy, so simple. The silence was not terse or clouded over with sadness and fear.

When James suggested that we skip the dungeons, I did not protest. He raised an eyebrow at my willingness to skive off the end of patrols and I sighed.

"You're not doing this because of Snape, are you?" he asked, bringing us both to a halt.

"I'm just tired," I half lied. I was tired. And I was dreading running into Snape in any place that wasn't spilling over with witnesses. I didn't know what he'd try. Hell, I didn't know what _I'd _try.

"Good," he answered. "Because you are a Gryffindor Evans, and I won't have you sullying our reputation by cowering from that tosser. I won't hear of it, understand?" Any other time it would have been a joke, a way to get a laugh despite myself and admit that he was funny. Not that night. That night he was dead serious, his brown eyes narrowed, his hair laying flat for once. Marlene was right, I realized. I didn't cower, and I didn't hide. And Merlin's bread I didn't apologize.

"Understood." I turned left and headed back down the stairs.

"Evans, the tower is that way," he said pointing to the right.

"I know," I said after a deep breath. "I've caught my second wind." I kept walking, and when I was about to round the corner and he was still standing there I asked, "coming or cowering, Potter?" He grinned wide, and trotted after me.

* * *

_a/n: Not too sure about this one. Thoughts? Either way, thank you for reading!_


	4. Ashes In The Snow

_I've been trying to update this FOREVER, thinking there was something wrong with either my computer or my account. After a rather long and irritating search I managed to find a way around it through the help forum. Eternally grateful to slashguy for the tip!

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_You know you should. But you don't. - Radiohead. _

It was the first clear day in weeks. Though it was cold, everyone in years 1-7 was outside. I was sitting on my bed alone, staring at my homework, with no true intentions of actually doing any of it. Above all else, I was hiding from one Alice C. Prewett. Marlene and I were no longer on the outs, which worked well for the group dynamic. Hell, I was even getting on with Black (to an extent) and things were just _rosy._ And then Fabian came back.

I'd been on my way back from breakfast, trailing behind Alice and speaking quietly with Remus about a certain potion I was not supposed to be brewing, with Dorcas and Sirius trailing behind us. Black had casually suggested we spend sometime outside and enjoy the cold but sunny day. I was seconds away from agreeing when I heard Alice say his name. My heart stopped at the sight of him, and I can't say it happened in a good way.

He was tall, oh so tall, with strong arms and broad shoulders and yet just a touch smaller than his twin. His skin had browned in the sun of wherever the bloody hell he'd run off to, and he smiled wide when he saw his cousin, taking her into his arms and spinning her around. He put her down and then his blue, blue, eyes landed on mine. If I could have exploded, I would have.

In one look, I remembered _everything_, both the good and wonderfully painful. I held his stare and refused to be the one to look away first, the one to break. I wanted to see if he would have the stones to approach me, the stones to tell me he was _sorry_ and to bloody well mean it. I wanted him to prove to me, in front of all the students, teachers, and ghost that now mobbed the entrance hall that he wasn't a fucking _coward._ I wanted him to give me a reason, just one. It was all I needed, and I would have turned it all around.

He didn't.

He looked away, turning red, and I nodded my head in assent, accepting the inevitable. Alice looked between the two of us, bracing herself for our tempers, but there would be no show today. I was too damn tired, and I'd had my absolute fill of spineless bastards for the year. I turned on my heel and made my way up the stairs, praying that no one besides Alice had taken notice.

I heard Dumbledore greet him, I heard Professor McGonagall's short, but strangely warm greeting. I didn't turn around, not even when Alice quietly called my name. I needed a moment to think, or throw up, or smash something, perhaps all three.

Once I was out of sight, I broke out into a flat run, up the seven flights of ever changing stairs to Gryffindor tower. After a spell, Marlene opened the door and sat down on the edge of my bed, waiting for me to speak. There was a lump in my throat, as if a cinder block were lodged in my windpipe. I couldn't place the feeling; I knew I should be sad, or jealous, or hurt or any number of things. I wasn't.

"You gonna be all right then?" she asked after a while.

I looked up at her, my eyes clear and my breath steady. "Yes. I just need a bit to sort some things out. After the way he left it, I never thought I'd see him again, you know? I need a moment to figure out how to react, or if I even want to."

"Personally, I think a well placed knee to the bollocks gets the point across just fine," said Marlene, and I laughed.

"That's your solution to everything, but you forget that he outweighs me by at least five stone."

"Yes, but with him being so tall and you so, well, gnome sized and all, he'd never see it coming. It's honestly brilliant."

"I am not gnome sized. You are just unnaturally tall for a girl."

"Funny, Sirius told me the exact same thing this morning. Only he ended it with 'and I like that about you.'"

"Oh so he's Sirius now, is he?"

"I'm still thinking about it." She grinned. "I'll hold Alice and the lot of them off until you're ready to see them, or come to your senses and let me have a crack at Prewett. Which ever comes first."

"Thanks Marlene." I reached over and gave her a hug.

She gave me a pat on the cheek before leaving and closing the door behind her.

Fabian Prewett had considered making me Lily Prewett and I told him the idea of marriage and children turned my stomach. He had laughed and sworn he'd change my mind. He was the one to find me that night fifth year, crying alone on the sofa. I'd just slammed the portrait door in Severus' face, and suddenly I felt a heavy arm around my shoulders.

He was there, and he talked me down. He let me soak his shirt with my tears, and he was still there when I woke up in the morning. _The _Fabian Prewett. The Quidditch star that had turned down the captain position because he _didn't feel like it_. He was redheaded like me, and tall like my father. It was the end of his seventh year and when he sat with me at breakfast and asked me how I was feeling, like he actually _meant_ it, like he wanted to hear my honest answer, I won't lie; it made my heart race. He took it slow, which was what I needed. He held my hand in Hogsmead. He waited to kiss me, to really kiss me, and when he did I didn't let him stop. It was by the lake, at sunset just like in those awful romance novels Marlene secretly kept under her mattress. He told me I was beautiful. He told me everything I didn't know I wanted to hear.

He met my parents and was unfailingly polite, even when Petunia turned her nose up. By the end of dinner, even she was cracking a smile. He was perfect, and toward the end of my sixth year I began to see it was too good to be true. Alice was choking with satisfaction that we were dating and that we were serious. Every time we made love it was somewhere risky and different. He was so gentle and I _hated_ that. Being treated as if I could break at any minute. I felt as if I were being marked, memorized, so that when I was tossed aside at least he could say that he'd tried.

He snuck into the castle one night, the last night in fact, and when we were finished on the roof of the astronomy tower he told me he'd joined the Order of the Phoenix. The chill that went threw me didn't go unnoticed. He said it wasn't over, that it didn't have to be it. That he didn't love me and that he knew I didn't love him but that it could all change, that he could see it changing. To be honest I was only half listening. I could only look at him and not know what to say.

I went down to the common room without another word to him. When I walked in, James Potter was sitting by the fire, looking as morose as I felt. My robes were open at the front and my school shirt was only half done. I'd left my stocking tied somewhere on the tower. My hair was a mess, and I knew he knew. He looked at me like he wanted to burn a hole straight through me, and try as I might I couldn't break his gaze. I didn't understand it, he'd moved on from that ridiculous quest to decorate his bedpost with my virtue, moved on quite a bit from what I'd in the girl's lavatory. As it turned out, I didn't know that half of it.

Fabian left, with only a little word and I went silently mad, only to find myself relieved. I felt as if I dodged a particularly nasty spell and those were harsh thoughts to direct at the man who had supposedly been my first love. But I'd realized then that it wasn't love; it was only a mirror image of something that I was sure I was incapable of experiencing.

And now he was back, and I was once again torn between how I thought I should be feeling, and how I actually felt. I should want an explanation. I should want some kind of vindication for pain that I'd barely felt. I should be angry. But I wasn't. I was numb to the situation, and unnerved by his presence. He no longer belonged in my everyday reality. I'd written him out of my story and he was fooling around with the fragile grip I had on it.

I sat by the window and watched my friends running around in the snow that was falling slowly. Strangely the sky was still clear even through the white, plump flakes of frozen water. I wanted no part of it. I looked toward my trunk and thought of the false bottom Remus had helped me put in. I smiled.

I flipped the latch and felt around until my hand closed around the soft plastic and foiled paper, thinking of the semi-hidden alcove by the courtyard. I changed out of my school things and into a pair of jeans and snow boots. Tucking the pack and matches into my pocket, I smiled as I made my way down the stairs. What I needed more than anything just then was a goddamn cigarette.

My newsboy cap fit snugly around my cold ears, and though my fingerless gloves did little for the cold of the drafty alcove, at the first pull I was in heaven. There were no explicitly stated rules about smoking on school grounds, but it was most likely not allowed. And as head girl, this was the last thing I should be caught doing. But as the smoke entered my lungs, all thoughts of Fabian and rules flowed out with the smoke as I exhaled. I closed my eyes and thought of Leonard Cohen and Billy Holiday, and how their voices reminded me of smoke. How much I missed my record player. I thought of Tunney learning to put on makeup, and my mum and dad and how I wished we were all the same. I barely noticed myself lighting the second one.

The ashes burned tiny holes in the snow, the flakes of red and grey made me think of my mum yet again. How her red hair was turning grey at the sides and how I was missing it, missing so much of it. How I hated having to chose and knowing deep down inside that from the moment the severe presence of Professor McGonagall showed up at out door that it was never really a choice at all.

I got lost in the tangles of my mind, so lost that I didn't hear the snow crunching under his boots as he came into the alcove, into _my_ alcove.

"You smoke?" his tone irritated me.

"Yes, I smoke. What of it?"

He looked at me, stared at me like that for the third time; once in the common room that night, once on the petrol sign, and now. There was something about the number three, something I'd heard in divination once long ago and I wished that I had paid more attention.

It was awe, and respect, and something else I couldn't quite place because I'd never seen it before.

"You been out here this whole time?" he asked, making himself comfortable against the wall.

"No," I answered without really knowing why. The last thing I wanted was to encourage him to stay. Right? "I came down a little while ago." I took the last drag of my cigarette and stomped out the rest.

"Before you ask, I'm not hiding from Fabian. I'm hiding from Alice," I said.

"Yeah, I can see her having kittens at the sight of you smoking." I laughed.

"Doesn't look like Prewett has the stones to come and find you anyway. I reckon he would have by now if he did," he said as he blew into his hands.

"Well, there isn't much more to say, is there?" I replied quietly, trying to end this conversation.

He looked at me again, and it made the hairs rise on the back of my neck. I stared back, focusing on his eyes, one of mine in each of his.

"Hand us a fag then," he said finally.

I was taken aback slightly, but pulled out the pack and handed him one. He grinned at me and lit it with his wand, the blue fire illuminating his face. He took a drag as if he'd done this before, and I liked it. Bloody hell did I ever like it.


	5. Burnt Edges

_I don't want it, I just need it. To breath, to feel, to know I'm alive._ –Tool.

Lily Evans was a smoker. I'd vowed to my mum that I was finished with that "filthy habit" and she'd incinerated my last pack just to keep me honest. After seeing Lily in that alcove, with her head back and her eyes closed as if she were somewhere far, far, away; the smoke curling around her like it was her own kind of magic, I suddenly couldn't see the filth in it at all. She was floating away, finally relaxed and that made me happy.

Her hair was wild and curled at odd angles, cascading about her shoulders untamed. I found myself at a dead stop behind a tree watching her, and I had a decision to make. Had it been two years ago, she would have left as I arrived, without a word or a glace. But this was _now, today,_ so I swallowed hard and took my bloody chances.

I'd forgotten the taste of nicotine, forgotten the burn and the breathlessness before the pleasure of the smoke hit. I felt a fleeting guilt about breaking my promise to mum, but the look on Lily's face all but erased it. She was grinning and flushed as I lit up; grinning _because _of me and despite Prewett, who was probably gone by then anyway. I'm sure even mum would agree that ends justified the means.

She stomped out her third butt and put the pack back in her coat pocket, cleaning her hands with a quick charm. She gave me a nod and turned to head back in before I had finished my own. Before she was out of earshot, she turned around to face me once more.

"Don't let this go to your head, but you've done a far better job as captain then _he_ ever could have," she said as she walked backwards. She cracked a smile at the flush creeping up my neck and turned once again toward the castle, holding her hat against the wind. I put my head back against the cold, smooth stones of the alcove and laughed.

A few minutes later, I was putting out my own and heading back toward the castle, finally sick of the cold. As I was making my was out of the alcove, Sirius, bloody came out of nowhere and pushed me back in with a somewhat frantic look on his face.

"You seen Lily mate?" he asked, his tone hurried and worried and his words running together.

"Yes," I answered raising an eyebrow, "she's making her way back to the castle now. I reckon she's almost there. Why?"

His eyes were bulging out of his head, and I could recognize that infamous Sirius Black transition from worried to right-brassed off.

"I need to find her. You remember about a month ago when she went all quiet and scared after Herbology? When she saw _Snape_ staring at her through the glass and then couldn't be out of the common room by herself?"

_All too sodding well_, I thought as I nodded in response.

"It wasn't Snape out there."

"Padfoot, what are you on about? I saw it myself when the lightening struck, it was absolutely him. I'd know the tosser anywhere."

"That's the thing innit? We know what he looks like, yeah. But think about it Prongs, in the six years that you've known her and in the three that you've practically stalked her, has Evans ever _once_ scared that easy? To the point that she was afraid of her own bloody shadow?"

"Stop it Sirius, just tell me what you bloody know." I didn't like riddles, especially when they pumped ice through my veins.

"Fine then. I was walking back along the edge of the forest, trying to catch Marlene up, when I heard dear ol' Rosier and Yaxley laughing, and laughing loud about how they'd managed to fool Evans, and how the 'spell' had worked so well. Some sodding spell, it was a curse. They found it amusing Prongs, so bloody amusing the toll it took on her.

"What are you saying?" I bit out.

"It wasn't Snape at all, it was an image made to look like him, like a boggart, and and when she made eye contact with it the spell triggered. She was enchanted the whole time, she might still be. It induces terror, nightmares, and if it's strong enough, insanity. She needs to get to Professor Sorin, or McGonagall, or Promfrey or _someone_ to check and take it off!"

I didn't answer him, hell I didn't really understand it, but I took off running anyway and Sirius took off after me. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. Snape was a vindictive little bastard and well on his way to becoming a dark wizard, but he wasn't _evil,_ especially not where Lily was concerned. And her fear had been irrational; I'd never seen her shake like that. And when I thought about Rosier and Yaxley…it was only the pressing need to warn her that kept me from running in the other direction and doing something truly stupid.

Luck had it that she was alone when we caught her up. When she turned around, curious about our heavy breathing and the frenzied looks on both our faces, I suddenly didn't know how to tell her. I didn't want to see her reaction now that she was marginally better, I didn't want to throw this at her. But what I wanted didn't matter, did it? She deserved to know; she _needed_ to know.

Sirius spat it all out at once, and I cringed as all the different stages of horror passed over her face. When he was finished, her parlor was gray and she was swaying on her feet.

"You need to get to Sorin. Now." I said when she didn't move.

She swallowed hard. "Right. You're right. You'll have to come with me; I don't think I can explain this. I've never heard of such a thing, bloody hell I'm not sure I even believe you!"

"Believe it Evans," said Sirius as he took her by the arm and started walking. I followed next to her and she began to shake again.

Later that evening she sat by the fire, recovering. Marlene and Alice sat with her, talking quietly and occasionally making her take a bite or two of the chocolate that Remus had quickly supplied. Professor Sorin, our defense teacher for the year had handled the situation quickly and discretely, oddly respecting Lily's request that he not inform the head master or anyone else for that matter. When we'd asked her why, she'd responded that if anyone was going to do something about this, it was bloody well going to be her_. _Marlene offered to hold them down whilst she did it.

The curse hadn't been all that strong or well done, which explained how Lily had managed to remain normal for as long as she did. Sorin checked her over and performed the counter-curse siphoning out any dormant remains. The counter-curse took one hell of a toll on Lily. She was still pale and tired and quiet, staring off into space.

Professor Sorin had explained the finer points of the curse and what it did to the mind, how the constant terror, day and night, eventually left you so paranoid and sleep-deprived that the brain turned to mush. How there would have been physical symptoms, but no real treatment because they were not the cause. It was old and dark, and had it been more widely known would have probably been declared unforgiveable. Sirius' parents discussed such things over Christmas dinner which was how he'd recognized it when it heard it.

Lily explained it all quietly to her friends while the four of us stood guard around them.

"I don't understand," said Alice, "why _you?_ You aren't the only one that stands up to them, aren't the only muggle born. It doesn't make sense."

Lily sighed and shook her head. "Does it matter? she asked. "The point is it _happened _and we all know it's going to happen again. She got up, brushing Alice off. "I don't want to talk about it anymore. I'm going up to bed."

Alice gave her an understanding nod and Marlene offered a tight-lipped smile and clenched her fists. I was the only one to notice.

* * *

Lily was awake and alert the next morning; glaring daggers at the Slytherin table. Surprisingly the word hadn't spread, and Rosier and Yaxley didn't know that they had been made. Sorin gave Lily the briefest of nods on his way to the staff table, and she nodded back. He seemed to be on board with whatever she was planning and to see a teacher take a side like that…it shined a blinding light on a situation we all would have preferred never to acknowledge.

"Lily, you need to eat," Alice admonished gently from beside her. Lily wasn't listening. She had her fork in a white knuckled grip, and her bottom lip was trembling. Something was off.

"Where's Marlene?" She asked quietly, while still staring straight ahead.

Dorcas and Alice both looked up at this, Sirius as well. Lily looked from the Slytherin table to her plate, to her friends, and suddenly to me. Her big, green eyes set me shivering and for the first time I couldn't say I liked it.

Alice seemed wary when she answered. "I don't know, actually. She was gone when we woke up."

"Rosier and Yaxley are missing as well," Lily said. "Something isn't right." She looked over Dorcas' head at Remus, and he nodded, placing his napkin on the table as he began to get up.

As he made his way to the doors, Sirius shot me a curious glance, knowing where Remus was going and wondering which one of us had told Lily about the map in the first place. Before Remus could make it out the doors, they crashed open and two Ravenclaw third years almost knocked him over as they ran crying up to the staff table.

Instantly Lily was on her feet, and we all sat dazed for a moment until I came to my senses and followed. All I heard when I caught up was her quiet "bloody fucking hell".

"What's happened? I asked her. The girls were bordering on hysterical, and the head master was quickly on his feet, making his way down the stairs of the dias with Professors McGonagall and Sorin in tow.

Lily's small, cold hand grabbed mine tightly. "It's Marlene."

McGonagall yelled at us from over her shoulder to help Flitwick and Slughorn keep the students in line. As soon as the other students caught wind of what was going on, the hall would explode. We'd be needed to help calm them down. Lily knew this, and in another life, it would have been her telling me to stay put, it would have been her attempting to hold me back, to keep me from following. But it wasn't.

Instead she waited until they were out the door, let go of my hand and quickly skipped out on Sluggy and Flitwick, running after them. Cursing to myself, I went after her knowing that I would regret it.

"Merlin Evans, slow down!" I said as I caught up to her. "What the bloody hell is going on?"

"Don't be thick, Potter!" she snapped. "Think about it, Marlene is missing. Marlene who no one's seen since last night; Marlene, who never misses a meal."

"What are you getting at?"

"Yaxley and Rosier weren't at breakfast either. And Mulciber is looking entirely too pleased with himself."

I felt all the blood drain out of my face, in one great drop. "Why?"

She'd started walking again. "Those girls found her, and it didn't sound—"

We came upon the professors and Madam Pomfrey who was bent over Marlene, working furiously with her wand. When Lily caught sight of them, she turned her head and threw up.

Professor McGonagall turned around instantly at the sound, her wand in the air, her eyes beady and nervous.

"Mr. Potter and Miss Evans! Why aren't you in the hall?" There was no real admonishment in her voice, in fact she pointed her wand and cleaned Lily's sick off the floor. She knew exactly what Lily and I were doing there, and looked as if she was sorry we'd seen any of it.

Marlene was lying at an odd angle on the floor, bruised and cut from head to toe, in a pool of her own blood. The liquid was now black against the stones, and there was no telling how long she'd been there.

Large crocodile tears ran down Lily's face, and I held her back by the arm as the nurse conjured a stretcher and Professor Dumbledore himself levitated Marlene to the hospital. She wasn't moving and didn't seem to be breathing on her own.

"She's just unconscious, right?" Lily asked. "I mean that has to be it, doesn't it? They wouldn't be taking her to the hospital if she were…" she couldn't finish the sentence.

Professor McGonagall came upon us with thinly veiled fear etched into her face, her usually unflappable attitude was gone. She nodded to me and placed a hand on Lily's shoulder, shaking her head before walking away. We didn't see much of Professor Dumbledore after that day.

* * *

The news spread like flames licking the halls of the castle. Classes were cancelled and lunch was delivered to the common rooms. Dinner was subdued, every single student looking uncomfortable, especially after Professor McGonagall made the official announcement in Dumbledore's stead. She left out the more gruesome details and urged anyone with information to come forward. Everyone sitting at the staff table knew it wouldn't happen. The new code of silence among the students at Hogwarts signaled the beginning of our own war within the castle.

Later in the common room, Peter was working on his astronomy essay, Remus sat reading by the window, and Alice and Sirius were talking quietly in front of the fire, pretending things were normal. Lily was still sitting with Marlene who had yet to regain consciousness. She'd been there for hours, waiting fruitlessly for her to wake up. According to Madam Pomfrey the damage was extensive, and there was a possibility she'd never wake. Aside from the curses, she'd been very badly beaten; the cruciatus curse was suspected, but could not be proven until she woke up. That "_if_ " hung in the air, and that was when Sirius had left the hospital, slamming the door behind him and he'd no intentions of returning.

"Someone should go find Lily," said Dorcas. "It's almost curfew and she…she shouldn't walk alone." There was a silent agreement, and without a word I went up to the dormitory to grab my badge and the map.

I checked the hospital wing first, and Lily's dot was missing; not just from the wing but from the castle. Bile rose in my throat, and I thought the worst. I yanked open the wardrobe door looking for my coat found that my Nimbus was missing; bristles had been left behind in haste. As I bent down to collect them, something small and green glimmered in the weak light. It was a comb with a peacock feather attached to it by a small green jewel. The same comb that Lily Evans had taken to wearing after she stopped taming her curls. Suddenly I knew exactly where to look.

It was pouring rain outside, and I had no idea if Lily was a strong flyer or if she even knew how to control a broom in bad weather. I ran out onto the pitch, the rain soaking me in seconds. I couldn't see more than a few feet in front of me through the darkness and the heavy rain. I yelled after her, that if she was up there she'd better bloody well come back down before she got herself killed. It was stupid and pointless, I could have screamed myself bloody hoarse and she wouldn't have heard me from that high up.

When the lightening next lit up the sky I caught sight of her hovering just above the stands, not moving and letting the rain soak her through. Just as I was about to head back to the shed for a broom to go after her, she came barreling down much too fast to properly land without knowing how to pull up at just the right moment.

I don't know how, but she made it, landing less than gracefully a few feet from me.

"What are _you_ doing here?" she had the audacity to ask me.

"Are you sodding mad?" I yelled over the rain. "You could have been killed!"

She didn't move, didn't say a word. I moved closer and when the sky next lit up, I could see her face was swollen and her eyes were red. Even through the wet I could tell that she'd been crying. She handed me my broom and walked calmly back toward the changing rooms.

"No!" I said grabbing her arm and forcing her to spin around and face me. "You don't get to walk away until you tell me why you're in the air with _my_ bloody broom during a fucking Scottish hurricane. Are you trying to get yourself killed?"

"I can't stand it!" She screamed. "I just can't bloody stand it! Marlene might die; did you know that? They crucio'd her so badly that if she survives the beating she could go mad. And for what? Her parents aren't muggles, she isn't a mudblood like me, what was the po—"

I clapped my hand over her pretty mouth before I could think about what I was doing.

"Don't you dare say that about yourself Evans! Do you hear? Not ever, I won't have it!"

She tore my hand away and pushed me back so hard I stumbled, dropping my broom.

"Why not? Tell me, why the fucking hell not? It's what I am to those people; it's the way I'll be labeled when I get out of here. Don't delude yourself Potter, it's the way things are going to work from now on. I can't change who gave birth to me, even if I could I wouldn't want to. But it is the way things are, and for right now it's my fucking reality! So don't you dare tell me what to call myself. I know exactly who and what I am!"

She ran off, and I struggled to keep up with her in the rain. I'd left my broom out on the pitch and I didn't turn around for it, I didn't remember it until the next morning when Madam Hooch delivered it to me _personally_ at breakfast, docking 20 points for Merlin only knew what because I wasn't listening.

* * *

She was drowning herself, and I was letting her drag me down too.

"Prongs. Prongs? Bloody hell James, look at me!" Sirius finally snapped. He shook my shoulders hard, jostling me back into the sofa and only then did I look up.

"What is it?" I answered.

"This," he gestured. "You need to get off your tired arse and go find Evans. And when you do, I want you to shake some sense into the pretty little head of hers, just like I did you."

"I don't need to find her, she's in the bloody hospital, where she's been for the last three sodding weeks. She isn't coming out any time soon." My voice sounded dead even to me.

"Smashing! Now that we've established that, stop bloody thinking about it and pull it together, yeah? You can't sit around and mope because she's upset, it's pathetic. We're all upset; so what? I may be dense mate, but I know for damn sure that McKinnon would want us avenging her and not sitting around weeping like a load of pansies!"

"Brilliant then! Now that you've figured it all out why don't you go do just that? In fact, why don't you buck up and go see her you hypocritical bastard!" I'd not meant to say it out loud but there it was, hanging between us, the thing no one had to the stones to mention; Sirius couldn't face the reality that Marlene might not wake up; that he'd left it all unsaid. That he'd never paused to think on what exactly "it" was.

He turned a brilliant shade of red, the red that I knew meant I was about to take one to the mouth. And perhaps I deserved it, but then again someone had to shake Sirius the way he was so fond of shaking us. It's easy to throw reality in someone else's face. It's different when it's chucked back at us. It's often harsh and it's ugly and who in fact is eager to see their faults? No one.

Before he could make a move, Remus was between us. "Stop it now, the both of you," he hissed.

"Stay out of it Moony," growled Sirius, but Remus was having none of it. He kept his hands between us and nodded toward the entrance.

There she was, her arms crossed and cheeks red and eyes shinning, I could tell from far away. She marched to the girl's stairs, but not before adding her two sickles.

"Idiots, the pair of you. There's a code of silence in the halls, it's all-out bloody war and have you noticed how no one is stepping in, at least not directly? This isn't a fucking joke, Marlene might _die, _they'll be moving her to the spell damage ward at Mungo's soon, and Alice and I are the only ones up there. Meanwhile, you two brutes are in here brawling over Circe knows what!" She paused and wiped at her eyes, deflating me immediately.

"The last thing I want to see or hear after a day like today is the two of you at each other's throats. So fucking stop it."

She turned to go, and Sirius just _had_ to open his mouth. "Stop being a sodding martyr, Evans. We all know McKinnon is in a state, crying over it won't change a damn thing. Sitting by her all day, holding her hand like it's the last time you'll ever see her won't change _shit," _he spat at her.

Lily was down the stairs before we could blink, the back of her hand swinging across Sirius' face before Remus could hold her back.

"How _dare_ you Sirius Black!" By now the younger students were all looking on avidly, some amused, some afraid.

"No Evans, how dare _you_! Marlene isn't dead yet, so stop behaving as if she were!" he screamed. Her big green eyes went wide and Sirius swung around and slammed out the portrait hall.

Alice took Lily by the shoulders and led her up the stairs, glancing back at me with a pointed look. I sat back down on the sofa and let out a string of swears that would have made McKinnon proud.

When Sirius wasn't back by twelve, I checked the map. His dot was still, right next to the one labeled Marlene McKinnon. Remus and Peter were sleeping; so much the better, we were much too tall and wide to fit under the cloak together anymore.

I opened the hospital door and showed myself, unconcerned with the possibility of the nurse seeing me. Marlene had been moved to a bed by the windows, and there he was next to her; with his head in his hands sobbing uncontrollably. He didn't stop when he heard me approach, he didn't acknowledge my hand clasping his shoulder. I sat down and waited for it to pass. Hours later, as the sun rose I apologized. He nodded, and kept looking at her. As the sun was coming up and he refused to come back with me, he looked at her. The light lit his swollen face as he ran a hand gently over hers and I took my leave. As I made my way out I saw Lily coming in and I caught her by the arm, shaking my head. She let out a sigh of relief, and it hung unsaid between us that everyone was exactly where they needed to be.

* * *

_a/n: This started out as total word-vomit. I hope I managed to shape it into something a bit better. I didn't exactly plan on the POV switch, it just sort of happened. Dunno. Either way, thank you or reading and reviewing, I very much appreciate it!_


	6. Incredible

_I have seen the most incredible light (lies) in your eyes, in your eyes - Clues_

"I don't know," I whispered.

"Don't know what?" he asked from the chair on the other side of Marlene's bed.

"What you're doing here. What either of us is doing here really. She'll wake up when she's meant to." I looked away, chewing on a fingernail. I regretted not what I'd said, but rather how I'd said.

He rubbed a hand over his stubble-covered face and sighed. His glasses were crooked, and I'd been looking at him so long I'd forgotten he even wore them. He looked tired. Sirius was sitting on the windowsill, playing with a lighter. His face was blank and his hair hung limply around his shoulders, but he'd barely left Marlene's side. McGonagall had given him a month's worth of detentions and threatened suspension, all to no avail. And then Professor Dumbledore had come in, placed a hand on her shoulder and advised us not to get behind on our course work as NEWTS were fast approaching. And because he was Professor Dumbledore, we could not say no.

"I'm not going anywhere Evans," said James.

"Why not?"

"Why do you always need a bloody reason for everything?" he asked with another weary sigh. He glanced over at Sirius for a long time, and then finally back at me, his brown eyes big and tired under his square-framed glasses. They were lovely.

I bit my lip hard, until it bled. "I'm going for a bath. Since you're not going anywhere and all, you should make him eat something, he's looking a bit peaky." I walked out of the hospital, and felt those brown eyes burning into my back the entire time.

"Do you think she'll be out of it by Christmas? Her bruises are all faded, and Madam Pomfrey mended all her bones," said Alice. She was sitting at the foot of my bed sharing a bar of chocolate.

"They say the spell damage will heal in time, her magic is seeing to that. Physically she'll be fine, so it's all a matter of when she feels like she's done healing." I took a bite. "So I hope so. It won't be the same without her. I never thought I'd be glad to hear someone so sarcastic about Christmas," I said mid-chew.

"Merlin, do you remember last year when she made that firsty cry?"

I barked out a laugh and almost choked on my chocolate. "Yes! She was going on about the irrationality of believing in Father Christmas, and didn't know Margot was behind her! I'd never seen her look so guilty whilst maintaining she was right!"

Alice laughed harder, and it felt good to hear it, to do it after so long worrying. They'd not moved her to Mungo's as she'd been improving. Her mum had come to Hogsmead and made the trip up to Hogwarts everyday to sit with her when we were in classes. Mrs. McKinnon had taken her time coming up, just as Sirius had avoided the hospital. It had seemed cruel at first, but now that she was there, it hardly mattered any more.

A few moments later Mary Macdonald knocked on the door to tell me that James was downstairs and I was late for patrols.

Alice stretched out on my bed as I was rushing to get ready, thumbing through Witch Weekly. "You think that after six years, at least one of them would know how to make it past the stairs."

I shot her a look and she smirked.

The truth was, I was nervous, I'd been nervous for a while. Since the curse lifted and my emotions became my own again, I couldn't puzzle them out. I didn't have to puzzle them out because I spent all of my time at Marlene's side praying to every deity out there that she'd wake up and tell me what to do. James _fucking_ Potter had been there the entire time, and I told myself he was keeping an eye on Sirius' sanity because I couldn't, I wouldn't call it anything else. I over-thought so much in the minute and a half that it took me from my room to the common room that by the time I made it down I was scowling. He noticed, and I took a breath.

"We can stop by the hospital after," he offered. "See if she's all right before we turn in the time sheets."

I didn't want to, and I didn't know how to say that without first choking on my guilt. So I said nothing at all and just kept walking, knowing by now that he would soon grow frustrated with my silence. I could play on his weaknesses and I knew it wasn't fair. But I finally felt as if I had power over something, over someone, and I wanted to use it.

When he didn't speak, I chanced a glance in his direction. I could see that his eyes had hardened under the glare of his glasses, and his jaw was ridged.

"I've been there enough," I finally answered. I let out a breath I wasn't aware I was holding, and looked in his direction again. "Tell me something funny," I asked.

"Funny?" he asked. "How funny?"

"Just, take the mickey, pretend I'm Remus or something."

"You sure about that, red?" I groaned and he laughed.

"You started it, darling," he chuckled again and I pushed him lightly.

"I know. When I said take the mickey I should have clarified. I meant out of

someone _else._ And don't call me red. I _hate _being called red."

"Forgot about that one." He paused. "Although that was right stupid of me. You set me straight on that forth year."

"You'll have to remind me then," I said. " I set you straight quite a bit between then and now."

"I called you red after Care of Magical Creatures, and your face turned about the color of your hair." He stopped to look at me. "It was closer to it then, your hair's gotten darker." He kept looking, and my face heated up once more.

"After that you smiled, and it was pretty, so pretty I should have known what was coming."

"Cut to the chase, Potter," I interrupted, smiling pretty again.

"You pulled out your wand and charmed my hair Slytherin green and my robes pink. It took Remus all day to get it off. As I said, should've learned my lesson then."

I laughed, remembering that day, and remembering that I was the one who showed Remus the counter charm. I kept this innocent fact to myself.

"Why don't you like being called red?" he asked.

"Because it's not my name. My name's Lily; not Lils, not red, not flower, not ginger, and oh, I especially hate Lily-flower. It sounds bloody ridiculous."

"You're right, it does," he agreed. "All right then, Lily it is."

We finished patrols with light conversation and avoided the topic of Marlene and Sirius the entire time. I'd wanted that. I wanted a break from the worry and the sick feeling in my stomach that we'd be at her funeral rather than her bedside soon. I wanted to joke and laugh and forget. Forget about the vigil we were all holding. Forget about NEWTS and how unconcerned I'd become over things like marks and exams and my life after Hogwarts. Suddenly there were more important things.

We said goodnight at the portrait and when I was finally in bed with the hangings drawn, I thought about what Alice had said, and laughed quietly. Of course James Potter knew how to get up the stairs.

It was a week later when Professor McGonagall finally broke and called the six of us into her office. The four marauders along with Alice and I faced the stern face of Minerva McGonagall, feigning innocence and ignorance, while knowing we were neither.

"I know what's going on," she began in an even tone. "In Professor Dumbledore's absence, I am acting head mistress and as such, I must see to the best interests of the students. Ms. McKinnon is one such student and a Gryffindor. She is one of _my_ students. The investigation of her attack has turned up nothing, and I _know_ the six of you know something. I cannot compel you to speak, but I am," she paused as if the request and confession that was coming weighed on her as heavily as our denial would weigh on us.

"I am asking you to _please_ tell me what you know. I will not release your names; I will not mention your involvement in anyway. Whoever did this does not deserve a place at this school, they belong in Azkaban."

I spoke, as I'd known I would. "Evan Rosier and Andrew Yaxley did this, and I'll wager they had help from Mr. Mulciber as well." The collective gasp among fellow Gryffindors did not go unnoticed, but it was ignored.

Professor McGonagall opened her mouth to speak, but I plowed ahead. "Of course you'll not be able to prove a word of this, not until Marlene comes out of it. And we both know that she won't talk."

"Their wands will be clean of course, and you'll never be able to prove the cruciatus. The most you could have gotten them for was the beating and even that can't be proven. No one saw it and there will be doubt; Marlene was knocked about and she's been out of it for almost a month now. All three of their fathers have influence on the board of governors. It won't go anywhere, and that's why we've yet to say anything. As Marlene's friend, I can only respect what I know she wants. I'm sorry Professor."

The silence was thick, and I was sweating in anticipation of the fall out that would come after we left the office. I wasn't ready, but it didn't matter.

"And what proof do you have of this Ms. Evans?" asked Professor McGonagall. She was seated once again, the pleading look gone.

I turned red, because I would have to lie, and lie well to keep my own secret. No one else in the room would help me.

"Please don't ask me that," I said. "Please understand, I mean no disrespect, but I can't—I won't tell you. And if this means my badge, so be it."

She exhaled, giving up much quicker than I ever could have thought. "You may go," she said. "Directly back to your classes and then to the tower after. Ms. Evans and Mr. Potter are allowed out for weekly patrols and that is all. As of this evening, the castle will be on lockdown." She nodded toward the door and we exited. I was sure my pounding heart could be heard all the way back to Winchester.

"What the bloody _hell_ was that Lily? You might as well have been the barrister planning their defense!" Alice was angry, and I understood. I would have been angry in her place as well.

"It had to be said," I answered shouldering my bag and keeping my voice down. "McGonagall isn't stupid, she knows I'm right, we can't prove anything no matter how sure we are. If nothing else, they've wiped their wands. I want to know why they cursed her in the first place. I don't care if it's selfish, I want my questions answered."

"She's has a point," Sirius said darkly. "We can't prove a bloody thing and at least this way they'll have an eye on them. Right now they're working on suspicion alone, and that's the way it's going to stay. There isn't anything to be done but wait."

It was the last we spoke of it, and it was the last anyone spoke to me for a while.

It was closer to November than anyone wanted to admit. Sirius and Remus had outwardly showed me support on my confession to McGonagall. Alice had grudgingly accepted that she was being unreasonable. Potter (as we were back to surnames) was the only one would not acknowledge what had happened. It was frustrating—no, it was maddening to watch him sit by the fire alone, away from his friends because they had chosen to sit with me. It was frustrating to sit through his contemplative silence during meals and classes, to watch him in the air alone long after he'd ended practice. It was bloody maddening to be ignored.

Then one night as Remus was beating the pants off of me at Chess and James sat across the room brooding into a book that we all knew he wasn't reading; Sirius burst in. He was more alive than he had been all bloody month.

"Hey Evans m'dear," he called, "I'll need to borrow some of that hairsolutionwhateveryoucallit that you brew for the lovely ladies of Gryffindor."

"Why?" I asked as the requested bottle soared past James' head and into my palm.

He shook out his shaggy long hair and said, "because my stunning locks have been looking rather dry and split lately and that will simply not do, not tonight.

The shine in his eyes gave me hope, a hope that I quickly put down because it would be too much, more than I could handle to have them dashed.

"Yes Lily darling, Marlene is awake and beautiful and she is right brassed off!" I was on my feet so fast that I tripped over James on my way out the portrait.

"Sweet Circe, I can't believe I'm actually talking to you," I whispered despite the mulfiatto charm I'd cast.

"I can't believe you confounded Pomfrey," she giggled. "McGonagall will have your badge and your head on her desk if she finds out."

"And who's going to tell her?" I said.

She raised an eyebrow. "So you're saying that all I had to do this whole bleeding time was get knocked out to groom you into a first class rule breaker? No—let me rephrase that one, you've surpassed me Lily darling; in all my years of being a right smart-arse and a sneaky bint I had never even thought of casting a spell on an authority figure!"

I rolled my eyes. "It was a matter of necessity," I explained. "McGonagall is ruling in Dumbledore's stead and until she gets a straight answer out about what happened to you she has the castle on lockdown."

"Sirius told me," she said. "He told me how you laid it all out for her. And I know you're sorry and all, but I don't want you to be. It's what I would have done. There isn't anyway to prove it, and none of us need the stress. They got me, hell they got us both. They'll calm down for a least a time."

"What in the bloody hell happened Marlene? Why would you go after them alone?" I asked.

She looked away. "I'll tell you when I'm out of here, I swear. It's complicated, and I'll say this, from now on, we need to watch out for one another. Things will get worse before they get better."

I didn't know what in the bloody sodding hell she was on about and all the cryptic talk was wearing on my nerves.

"They almost killed you Marlene. Do you know what it took for me to hold my tongue on all of this? Sirius almost went out his mind with worry, and bloody hell you should have seen your mum!"

"I have," she answered quietly. "Mum's gone back home and she's threatening everyone she knows with everything she has and we both know it will lead nowhere." She paused and sighed. "It's bloody frustrating." She paused again considering what she was going to say. "Was Sirius here the whole time?"

Now it was my turn to look away, bite my already chapped lips, and answer honestly. "No. That afternoon when you were first brought in, and Pomfrey mentioned that you might never wake up, he slammed out of here and didn't come back…for a long time."

"Oh," she sighed. "But I did wake up," she answered quietly.

"You did," I said. "Thank Merlin you did."

She fell back asleep shortly there after and I left the hospital wing closing the door as quietly as possible, and expecting to be pinched for sure. Strangely enough I couldn't bring myself to care. Couldn't bring myself to care until I was over-swept by the darkness of the corridor and couldn't see worth a sod. I took one step and ran directly into a chest of a man. A tall man.

I drew my wand to his throat and at the same moment his hand was twisting my wrist, hard enough for it to hurt.

"Bloody hell, Evans put your wand down!" Potter hissed.

"What in the sodding fuck are you doing here, sneaking up on me?" I retorted, throwing his hand off my wrist. So bloody typical, ignoring me and then showing up unannounced and expecting me to be just _fine_ with it.

"I…" he ran both hands through his hair this time, dropping what he was holding and scoffing in frustration. "I knew you were out, and I figured you'd need this to get back. I didn't mean to scare you." He bent down and picked up the cloak that I'd come to recognize so well. I didn't know what to say.

I exhaled loudly and looked away. He shifted from one foot to the other, his hand mussing his hair. Finally I took the cloak and draped it over the both of us without a word.

It was a tight fit under the cloak. Though I was small, it was a wonder he fit under it alone. We hobbled quietly back to the tower, neither one of us speaking. He was hunched over and I could feel his breath on my neck and the silence began to drive me mad.

"So am I to take this rescue as a sign that you're through ignoring me?" I asked. There was a good amount of anger pushing it's way through the cheek of my words.

"I haven't been, I mean I didn't mean to…oh sod it all, yes it does!"

"Will you keep your bleeding voice down, you're going to get us pinched you moron!" I hissed. We were close enough to Gryffindor tower that it wouldn't take long, yet far enough that getting caught was a possibility.

He huffed and we kept walking at our snail's pace trapped under his cloak. By the time we'd made it back to the common room it was gone two a.m., and our exhaustion was doing nothing to relieve the bubble of tension threatening to explode around us. Which was why of course, James decided to pop the bubble.

"I ignored you because you spelled out the truth and it was more than I could handle." I turned my head slowly in his direction and found him staring at the fire with his hands clenched in the pockets of his wrinkled pants and I could feel the lump in his throat he was trying so hard to swallow.

"Pardon?" Oh the things that come out of my mouth when I don't know what else to say.

He plopped down on the couch and ran both of his hands through his hair that desperately needed to be cut.

"My mother worked for the ministry, as an unspeakable. My dad's a historian, but that doesn't matter almost every Potter before him has worked in the sodding ministry one way or the other. Everything my father talks about is clouded over by this war, this war that no one will admit we're in. My dad is worried about history repeating itself, he spends hours in locked up in his study and I know he isn't writing a bloody word. I come to Hogwarts hoping that I'll have one less head ache for a time.

And honestly, who was I kidding? We're like angry Cornish Pixies stuck in a dark cage, all we need is a reason, and it doesn't even have to be a good one. No one knows what they're doing. Except for you."

I was seated by this point, leaning against the back of the short table and hugging my knees to my chest, enjoying the heat of the blaze on my back.

"I don't know what I'm doing. I'm pulling things out of thin air because I'm afraid. All I did with McGonagall was tell the truth, and I did it as a last resort. I wouldn't give myself all that much credit."

"I can't explain myself. But I am sorry for treating you so badly."

"I don't want you to explain yourself. I'm not sure it matters anymore."

"This is going to blow up. It's the calm before the storm."

"It's already blown up. Marlene is pureblooded. It's open season."

Marlene would be back in classes in a few days. People would be rejoicing and there would be a mock investigation that would lead nowhere. The calm silence wouldn't be one of peace, it would be one of planning. I would see Severus lurking outside of the classes we didn't share and around Gryffindor tower. I wouldn't notice the doe eyes that Mary McDonald gave James Potter. I would notice how Marlene had grown another limb that looked suspiciously like Sirius Black. And all this time, Professor Dumbledore would be nowhere to be found.


	7. Set It Off

_Thanks for reviewing and for reading thus far. _

* * *

It was seventh year that I decided Severus Snape had to die, and that I was going to be the bloke who killed him. My fascination with Lily Evans aside, he really was just a wanker. The disgusting enthrallment with all things dark arts did not help, and it only made my decision easier. It didn't scare me; how comfortable I was with the idea, which said something because even Sirius raised an eyebrow when I declared it.

She was walking back toward the tower from the library, far away from the entrance to the dungeons, so what he was doing there besides planning an ambush I couldn't fathom. It was pure bloody luck that I happened to be coming back from the kitchens the long way.

"For the last bleeding time, it is not happening!"

"Lily, please. You need to see sense! I know what I said was…well,"

"Was what? Mean? Awful? _Racist?_ What Severus? And after what happened in Herbology? And to Marlene? Will you stand there and tell me you didn't know?

"You did know didn't you? And believe it, don't you deep down you believe it even though you said it was all for show?"

"That isn't what I was going to say Lil—"

"I don't care what you were going to say! It's how you feel, and what makes this rich, what makes this _ironic_ Severus, is that your father is bleeding muggle as mine!"

She was shrieking, and though they weren't in plain view, it was loud enough that anyone who passed by could have caught onto that piece of information that Snape undoubtedly didn't want anyone knowing. Which was why he raised a wand to the girl he claimed to love.

Her arm was bleeding, but her face showed no signs of pain until he spoke again.

"You repeat that again, and I'll make damn sure Avery finds you wand-less and alone where no one will hear your scream." He was pale and sweating, and looking like he was already filled with a cold regret. But none of that mattered.

That was the first time I saw Lily Evans lose it.

As I was about to intervene, she reached up and slapped him, raking her nails along his face and leaving four perfect bloody lines. He put a hand to his face and felt the blood. Her eyes were wild, her shoulders shaking, and by now my worry shifted slightly toward Snape.

Snape looked down at his blood on his hands and turned and ran like the slimy wanker he was. When my vision cleared, Lily Evans was sitting on the cold ground staring up at me.

"You can come out now Potter, he's gone." When I sat down next to her, she wouldn't look at me. She had shrugged out of her robe and was attempting to heal the gashes down her arm.

I took my wand and did it myself, running it along slowly. Thankfully it was shallow and so a visit to the hospital was not necessary. She looked up at me through her long black lashes and I gave the first shite answer I could come up with, "when you're mates with Sirius Black—"

"Those must come in handy." She chuckled and winced with the movement. There was silence while she looked at me, tears dry on her face, and I swallowed back my impulses. I'd like to think we'd made some progress in the area of her not hating me. When I saw her sitting with her chin on her knees on the petrol sign, I knew I had to keep trying.

She worried her bottom lip between her teeth and looked away again. Before I could stop myself, I pushed her back behind her ear, making her turn. Her cheek pressed into my palm, and my breath hitched in my throat. She noticed.

"We should clean up and get to defense." Without another word, she shrugged back into her robe and I followed her down the hall.

"Are you going to tell me what happened?" I asked.

"Do I really need to?" she answered while staring straight ahead.

I swallowed. No, she didn't.

* * *

It was in defense, that very same day that she figured it out and honestly, I should have known. I'd never produced a corporal patronus before, never had to try. So when the Lynx flowed out of her wand like it was effortless, my competitive prat came shinning through. I'd been suppressing the urge to behave like an arrogant git ever since Lily called me out on it fifth year. In retrospect, I cannot believe I didn't see what could have (and did) come prancing out of my wand.

I pictured her smiling at me that night before disaparating from the petrol sign. The first time she laughed at one of my jokes second year without trying to hold it back. I pictured her wonder when I ran my wand up her arm to her shoulder, the wound closing, and how she shivered despite herself when my hand touched her bare skin.

The stag burst out of my wand before I had even finished the incantation and when those wide green eyes of hers looked up at me, I knew I was truly and royally fucked.

Her jaw hit the ground as she looked to me and to the cloud of silver that was the stag. I could see her connecting the dots and remembering that night last year. I flicked my wand down and the stag evaporated.

The rest of the day passed much too quickly. I was dreading seeing Lily again, so much so that I even took dinner alone in the kitchens. I was dreading explaining this secret that had been so well guarded to someone who might not understand. Not only were we unregistered; we were underage and technically breaking the ban on underage magic outside the confines of Hogwarts. A formal ministry sanction would most likely hinder any of us from working at the ministry (and primary place of wizarding employment) and that was the best-case scenario. On top of it all, it was the first night of the full moon.

"She figured it out, didn't she? She's bloody unbelievably clever, how could she not after your little display today?" Sirius ran a hand through his shoulder length hair and let out a sigh.

"Oh well," he continued, "guess you'll have some explaining to do when we make it back tonight."

"You're being much too cavalier about this Padfoot. You understand what will happen if the ministry had the slightest suspicion? What they would do to us? To Remus?"

His scoff was muffled by his shirt as it went over his head. "You honestly think the bird will talk? Because, I must say Prongsie, I don't think she will."

"Well, you can't know that," I half muttered when we had reached the shack.

"Before you start looking for ministry lackeys behind us at every corner, let us just get through tonight, yeah?" He grinned at me and ran off, jumping and transforming in mid air. Attempting to think of Moony and the task at hand, I put aside what I couldn't control and prayed to whatever deities might or might not be listening that Lily Evans was capable of mercy.

She was waiting in the common room when I got back, though it was gone two a.m. Her green eyes looked me over as I made my way to the fire, clutching my midsection and my three or four broken ribs. She was standing, her robes off and her tie askew; shirt un-tucked and her curls running wild down her back. I tried not to focus on her rolled down stockings and exactly how much of her legs I'd not seen before. The fire danced in her eyes, where I expected to find anger and righteous indignation but was greeted instead with wonder and excitement. She seemed fit to burst with it.

"Lily, you have to understand—"

"You're the stag."

I blinked. "Well yes, but—"

"And Sirius is the dog, isn't he? He must be, I can't picture Peter as a dog, in fact I can't picture Peter there at all to be honest, but I suppose he must be, you lot are always together." She was pacing back and forth in front of the fire, waving her hands animatedly, and I couldn't understand her reaction at all.

"Of course, you must be unregistered, not to mention underage, but that would mean that you were able to—"

At this I stood fast, ignoring the pain from my ribs and gently took hold of her arms to make her stand still.

"It means that you can't tell anyone, at all, not ever. Not Marlene, not Alice, not Dorcas, no one. And not just for our sake, but for Moony as well. We did this for him you see, it makes it easier not being alone. And as animals, even if he were to bite us, it wouldn't be con—"

"It wouldn't be contagious and you can't be infected. Yes, I know all about it." She looked at me just then, in way that told me she'd barely been listening, as if she'd been lost and was only now coming back to herself.

"Show me how to do it."

"Pardon?"

"Tell me how you did it!" She half begged, half ordered. I shook my head as if to clear it from this strange, strange nightmare.

She gripped my arms hard, digging into where Remus' claws had gouged at my skin.

"I want to know how you do it. I want to learn how." She gripped harder and I could feel the blood welling up under my shirt.

She looked down for the first time as I winced and frowned. She led me back to the sofa, and began to unbutton my shirt without a word, the unanswered question of her transformation still thick in the air.

Lily whistled as she saw the purple and black staining my skin.

"You weren't honestly thinking of healing this on your own were you?"

She pushed my shirt off my shoulders and I could not say or think a word. I could barely swallow. Her fingers trailed fire across my skin and I took myself back to a time when this would have meant everything to me.

"Can't exactly go to Pomfrey, and Sirius is crap at it," I said.

"Hmm, I suppose he must be." She ran her wand across the bleeding wounds on my arm much like I had done for her that morning, closing them with minimal pain. Her brow was furrowed as she worked. Lily conjured a bowl and a towel, summoning a vial from the washroom simultaneously.

"This is murtlap. It is going to sting like all hell, but it won't let you scar." She took a second look at my arms while cleaning the blood off and added, "much."

She moved on to my ribs next, setting the bones and mending them, the whispered incantations made her breath ghost across my skin and I let out a shudder I couldn't suppress. I thought of McGonagall in a play wizard spread, which worked to calm me down until she began rubbing the ointment on the bruises.

Noticing how I tensed, she smirked. "I'll try to be gentle."

I laughed, despite it all.

It was a while before she spoke again. "I won't, I would never turn you in, even if it weren't for Remus. The fact that it is about him just makes this all the more amazing. How long has it been?"

I knew these questions were coming, but her hands had distracted me from planning out a plausible half-truth. I stared into the fire and quickly edited out the uglier parts of the story, hoping she wouldn't read it all in my eyes.

"We started looking into it at the end of third year when we found out about Remus. Took us until the middle of fourth to actually do it."

"You've been doing this since fourth year? The three of you?"

"I'm not sure if I should be taking offence to your tone of surprise there, Ms. Evans, but yes. It keeps him away from the village and from the school and it helps to clear his conscious, knowing that we're there to keep an eye on him. He never remembers the next morning."

"Show me how to do it James." Her voice was soft, and earnest, and when I heard her call me James I knew that it was my undoing.

"Why?"

"Because to me it makes magic real. To change form like that? It connects you to a kind of magic I can only dream about. It's why I wanted to come here so badly, why I couldn't leave even after my sister _begged me_. To have the kind of power you can push out without needing a wand, something so deep, so personal that only _you_ can manifest it, not a magical core belonging to _something else? _It's the reason I can't go back to living like a muggle even though, bloody hell, we both know how much easier, how much _safer_ things would be if I could. Why wouldn't I want to learn?"

"It isn't that glorious or simple Lily. Things can go wrong, you can die."

"I'm aware of what can happen," she said, her voice hardening at once. "And I don't appreciate being spoken to as if I were a child. If you don't want to help me, fine just bloody say so. But don't you dare sit there and speak to me like that."

I exhaled in frustration, as if I really were talking to a child and this only fueled her further. "I'm not trying to be didactic, I'm being honest. Peter almost died the first time. We were very young and very reckless and all right yes, we had a good reason, but if I could go back I-"

"Don't tell me you wouldn't have done it, we both know that isn't true," she cut me off, desperate to keep her point.

I let out another frustrated sigh and winced from the pain of it. Lily deflated almost instantly.

"Look, you're in pain, and tired. I'm sorry to be so pushy, yeah? It's just that when the stag came out of your wand, and I knew it was you I'd seen that night, it all clicked and I wanted to ask you then but you disappeared. When you weren't at dinner I thought I have to find him because he can help me. I've wanted this for so long James, I can't describe it, I—"

"If I say no, you'll do it anyway, won't you?" I interrupted.

"Yes. Now that I've seen first hand it's possible to accomplish, yes," she answered.

"And I take it you won't wait until you're of age to get a ministry liscence and registration?"

"You know how long that'll take. They'll probably deny me considering the times and circumstances." Yes, I knew.

"I'll do it."

"I understand why you'd be hesitant-wait what?" When he mind caught up with her mouth her jaw dropped to the ground.

"I said I'll do it. I'll help you."

"Why?" she blurted out.

"Because I can't deny you anything, Lily Evans. Even when I bloody well should."

She sat and stared at me for a long while, the information settling in. I was completely unprepared for when she leapt across the small sofa and threw herself across my injured middle, holding onto my neck for dear life. I was covered in dirt and blood and dried sweat, sporting three newly healed ribs and Merlin only knew how many other cuts and bruises and Merlin's bread and butter but I didn't care. She smelled like almond blossoms and smoke from the fire and this was _Lily-sodding-Evans_ draped across my sodding lap; that moment stopped my world, everything tilted on it's axis as I held her close to me, knowing that in a few seconds she would collect herself and that it would all be over. That I was a man, and I was supposed to be stronger than this, I was supposed to be over her. The only thing I was was full of shit.

I inhaled one last time as I heard her breath catch, her heart begin to race and the heat rise on her cheeks. She gracefully disentangled her limbs from mine, scourgified my shirt and patted down her skirt.

"I'm going to bed, and you should too. Lessons start this weekend, and as you are absolute pants at transfiguration, please be sure to do your reading Miss. Evans."

She snored and knocked me lightly on my good arm.

"Have a sodding shower Potter. You need it." She got up quickly and made short work of reaching the girl's staircase. Just before I made to get up, she turned back around and looked at me.

"James?" she called.

"Yes?" I answered back.

"Thank you."

She flushed once again and raced up the stairs before I could answer. She had gotten the last word. Again.


	8. Oh, Darling

_Thanks for all the adds and subscriptions and above all reviews. It's nice to know people are reading and enjoying. -M_

* * *

Defense Against the Dark Arts. Not my best subject, mostly because it had never been something that interested me. I had no desire to be an investigator or an auror or any such thing. I wanted to work in the department of mysteries; I wanted to specialize in charms. I looked at it as wanting to create and preserve not search out and destroy. That was all in the beginning, and now it was over. Defense was no longer a passing interest; it was a blasted necessity. If the incident with Marlene had taught me anything, it was that charging into a situation half-cocked and angry could land you in the ministry morgue. I couldn't imagine my parents using the muggle entrance to the ministry to claim my body. I couldn't imagine Professor McGonagall making the trip to Spinner's End to tell them. By the end of half-term seventh year, we all took defense more seriously.

It had become much harder to write to my parents as if everything were normal, it had become harder and harder to prove Petunia wrong in my head. Professor Dumbledore had been off to the Wizgamont, attempting to change legislation. Rosier and Yaxley's wands had been wiped clean; the only evidence would be in their memories, memories that were inaccessible first, because they were underage and secondly, because memory extraction was used only murder trials with other corroborating evidence, mainly a body. Professor Dumbledore had been attempting to make a case for the extraction of their memories considering that viciousness of the attack and the fact that Marlene had almost died. However as we all knew, no one was going to invade the minds of two pure blooded minors without concrete evidence. And there in lay the problem with wizarding law.

"I think my mum is on the edge of disemboweling the entire board of governors," said Marlene one afternoon as we were walking to defense.

"If disembowelment changed laws and minds things would be much simpler and much bloodier," replied Alice.

"My mum is causing a right fuss at the ministry as well," chimed in Frank Longbottom from beside Alice. "Not that it will change much," he added with a weary sigh as he opened the classroom door for us.

"They've been trying to pin the entire thing on muggleborns," I added, "calling it an unjust retaliation against the ministry and the pureblooded families or something like that."

"Where did you hear that?" asked Frank from the desk behind mine.

"Read it in the prophet this morning; page six, tiny little article under the advert for Madam Malkin's."

"There will be a larger editorial in tomorrow's paper," said James as he threw his bag down next to mine.

I glanced around and saw that Sirius had pulled Marlene next to him and Remus winked at me from across the room next to Peter. I glanced at James' now sheepish face and rolled my eyes in exasperation.

"Any muggleborn in this school would know better," I said, my bitterness seeping through.

"We're all afraid for our bloody skins, we're all tired of the violence," I paused for a moment as a thought ran quickly through my mind. "And here I am speaking for everyone as if I have any idea what runs through the minds of others. I'll shut up now."

Professor Sorin walked in just then, slamming the door behind him and waving his wand briskly toward the board, the lesson materializing in his messy hand. Today wouldn't be a practical class but rather a lecture on dementors, and from the look on Sorin's face it wasn't likely to be pleasant. And James Potter, the animagus with the perfect patronus had elected to sit next to me.

Instead of taking me out into the forest and teaching by example as I'd expected, the bloody bastard was making me read up not only on the mechanics, but the defensive correlations of the charm as well, and then sodding _quizzing_ me on it after. When Sorin began lecturing on dementors, the corners of his mouth quirked up in an unconscious grin. I groaned quietly, and at that his shoulders began to shake with silent laughter. As I began to take notes on Sorin's lecture his slanted handwriting showed up across the top of my parchment.

_Best be taking good notes, love._

_You're making me regret this, Potter._

_Nonsense!_

It continued on like that throughout the entire class; by the end I had no notes and a roll and a half of parchment covered in James Potter's handwriting.

"Calm down," he said as we walked out, "you'll get out in the forest soon enough." And we did.

* * *

Later that night, I lay awake in my bed, gathering the courage to confront Marlene. She'd been out of hospital a solid week and still not told me how or why she'd been attacked. Whether questioned by the professors, her mother, and even ministry officials brought down by Dumbledore himself, her answer was always the same; she remembered nothing but bits and pieces of the beating. When her wand was tested the last curses she used was a disarming move followed by an impedimenta; which could be argued as self-defence as well as the instigation. It was a well known fact that no ministry official would go so far as to blame the victim, the ministry did not need any more negative attention from the wizarding press.

But I knew Marlene, and I knew she went after them. I knew she started something she couldn't finish and only remaining question I had was why. So I crept out of my bed and over into hers. After casting a hasty mulffiato charm, I gently shook her awake.

"What happened that day Marlene? And don't lie to me."

Her shoulders slumped down and she pushed her hair off of her face with both hands. "I was hoping you'd forgotten all about it," she said, somewhat defeated.

"No. I haven't."

"All right then." She pushed her long blonde hair behind her ears, a sure sign that she was nervous.

"I went after them. I was so angry, so unbelievably angry at that dreadful thing they'd done to you, just so boiling mad that I wasn't thinking. You see my mum was mates with Yaxley's mum back in their Hogwarts days. We weren't exactly mates as children, but we'd grown up around each other, I'd never really thought him the bad sort you know? I caught him up in the hallway and I confronted him about it, I don't know why I was expecting any kind of straight answer from that monster. He went on about how if I kept on the way I was, I'd die along with the rest of the mudbloods. He walked away and I-I cursed him while his back was turned. When he went to curse me back I managed to block him. That's when Rosier came out and the curses began to fly and that's all I remember fully. I remember them beating me, and I remember the cruciatus. After that I blacked out.

"You see why I can't possibly tell them? I cast the first curse, I started it. They have the resources to hide it, I don't."

"Dear Merlin." I couldn't think of anything else to say.

"I'm sorry, Lily. I've heard what they've been saying, I've made things so much worse, but you have to know I didn't mean for it end this way. I never thought, never in a thousand lifetimes, that it would turn out like this. I never thought they'd be capable of such a thing."

I was barely listening. "Marlene, you were almost killed. And nothing would have changed with your death. They would have found some way to spin something else against us."

She looked away and down and as if she were about to cry.

"They can't look at your memories. If they won't check Yaxley's and Rosier's surely they won't check yours. Have you told anyone else?"

"No, I haven't," she answered.

"Good," I said. "I'm positive Yaxley and Rosier aren't going to say a word. They won't give up this kind of power.

"This isn't going to blow over as quickly or quietly as they would like, it will be plastered all over the prophet in a day or two's time. But if you manage to keep your head down it shouldn't be too much of a problem. Just keep playing the dignified victim."

"Right. That was my plan all along," she replied, her voice dead.

"All right then."

To be honest it was rather strange how quickly the little white lies wove themselves together in my mind, creating an irrefutable if not plausible story. But then again, Marlene knew all of this already. It made her feel better to have _me_ say it aloud as well, to know that she was not carrying something so large alone.

* * *

I was in the kitchen having a rather intense staring contest with a mug of chocolate which I periodically reheated with my wand. I still hadn't been able to transform, though I was getting closer. We'd not had much chance to practice and with Christmas hols fast approaching, I reckoned we wouldn't have another chance for a while. I found myself horribly sad that soon I'd no longer have an excuse to meet him nightly in the dark of the forest. In the forest where it was dark and we didn't have a past. In the forest where his hands were always warm and I could pretend we were two completely different, uncomplicated people not living through this silent war.

Despite the warmth of the fire behind me, I shivered. I stared at the chocolate and I began to lose myself in the twinning woods of my mind. Thoughts of the war that was stewing outside the warded gates of Hogwarts, I thought of my defenseless family and how my sister hated me. The mess with Fabian and how what I missed most were the rows. I thought of Remus, Peter, Sirius and James. James, whose hold on me grew tighter everyday, who had been so patient and gentle that I hardly recognized him and damn it if I wasn't missing the old trouble maker. The one who smiled wide and mussed up his hair while he caught a snitch he shouldn't have had in the first place. James, who was sitting across from me grinning at me through the rectangles over his eyes.

I started at his presence and knocked over my mug and he grinned again, wider this time, the toe rag James shinning through, the James I had been growing to miss. I waved my wand over the mess, making it disappear.

"How long have you been here?" I asked, pushing my hair behind my hot ear.

"Not long, you were far away."

"Yeah, I do that." I blushed harder.

"I know." I looked at him, a question forming on my lips, but he interrupted me.

"So, where do you go?" He asked.

"Pardon?"

He waved his wand and my mug refilled. "Just now, what were you thinking on?"

_You._ "My parents, the war, my sister, muggles, school, how everyone knows what's going on outside and _no one will bloody talk about it. _How everyone pretends it isn't happening. Fabian and where he is and what he's doing and how bloody angry it makes me." I gripped the mug tighter, making my knuckles go white.

At the mention of Fabian he paled, so I said some things I shouldn't have. "I was thinking about how you never smile anymore. And how I never thought I'd miss the tosser from fifth year who used to hex Snape bloody stupid." I chuckled despite myself.

"You think too much Lily Evans." He wouldn't meet my eyes.

"So I've been told."

"Lily—"

"Why?"

"Why what?" He was looking at me now, and I plunged on, riding the wave of my impromptu courage.

"Why did you keep after me all that time? When I made it more than clear that it wouldn't happen? Especially after Fabian?"

"I'm not sure I can answer that."

"Can't or won't?"

He pinched the bridge of his nose.

"All of those in one." James smiled sardonically up at me through his eye-lashes that had _no bloody business being that long_ and continued, "I knew Prewett off the Quidditch Pitch. Knew he could and _would_ wipe the floor with me for messing with his bird, but I didn't care until I saw the way you looked at him. I'd never seen you look at anyone like that, and up until then Lily Evans had been my major field of study.

And he looked through you, Lily. It made me so angry. When he left you to do Circe only knows what in Albania, and I walked in to find you…like that. And then it was all happening much too fast for me to keep track." James scrubbed his hands over his face, under his glasses and I went cold all over.

"You put me through the wringer you did, Evans. And maybe I deserved some of it, yeah? But you have to understand that it was never that I wanted what I couldn't have. It's so much more than that. I told you this summer; I _know_ I need to look somewhere else. And I'm trying, I swear I am but—"

"I don't want you to look anywhere else. And I know that makes me a selfish cow after well, everything. But it's the truth." He was stunned into silence, the proverbial stag struck by a lumos, and my face felt as if it were on fire. But it was done, and I couldn't, I _wouldn't _take it back.

I turned to leave, my _intention_ was to be gone from that kitchen with all possible haste, but when I caught his eyes I didn't think. I took his face in my hands and counted thirteen freckles sprinkled lightly about his nose. I ran my fingers over them and he closed his eyes, his breathing shaky and it all seemed so perfect. The stubble on his face scratched against my palms, and by the I was gone.

His large hands were over mine, and they were warm, and before my sense came back I kissed James bleeding Potter.

For the first moment, nothing happened and cold regret took over my insides. He was like stone, but as I made to pull away he woke suddenly and wonderfully, because his hands dropped from mine and went around my waist, snaking quickly to catch me in a vice like grip. I was flush against him, kissingkissingkissing and oh, did he let me have it. All six years of curiosity and the last three of pent up unrequited want. I knew then, more than I had ever known anything else that even if this was a mistake I would gladly make it again. And again, and again, and again.

* * *

"My sweet untouchable Circe. Merlin's saggy set of bollocks. Morgana's…something or other. Bloody fucking hell! You did not!"

I lifted my head from Alice's pillow and hefted a half arsed glare in Marlene's general direction.

"If you're quite finished using all of the expletives in your repertoire, Marlene."

"No I bloody well am not! I cannot believe what I just heard. After all these years, you practically assault him in the kitchens!"

"I did no such thing! I will have you know that—"

"Who did you assault in the kitchens?" Alice and Dorcas chose this moment to walk back in, arms laden with sweets from the kitchen no doubt, (Merlin, did everyone know how to get in?) which only served to remind me of the night before, and how bold and utterly unlike myself I had been, and what was worse, I'd liked it. I had liked it very much.

I sat up. "I kissed James in the kitchen last night. I grabbed him by the face and I snogged him. A lot. And I liked it. No plans to do it again, ever, because I have decided to apparate to Africa as soon as my stomach settles and let the wolverines at me." I buried my head again.

Alice came and sat on her bed with me and pulled me up my arms. She looked me straight in the eyes, nostrils flared and nodded toward the door.

"You are all bleeding mad. Absolutely bonkers." But I got up anyway, gathering my resolve and went down to the common room, where I would be sure to find him.

He wasn't there and neither were his mates. In fact, no one had seen him for hours. So I went hunting. Not in the astronomy tower, not in the kitchens, not in the come and go room…I was running out of ideas and it was pushing time for us to do rounds. I finally gave up and headed back to the tower, hoping I'd see him there waiting for rounds. He didn't disappoint.

He didn't look up when I closed the portrait, or when I made my way to the sofa, tripping over my own feet every few paces.

"Shove over, will you?" I asked quietly. He did so without looking at me, and I began to grow nervous. I had been so calm, and he so tense, and oh, but it should have been the other way around.

I was about to mention rounds, but the tension about him stopped me from speaking. Something was wrong. We were quiet for so long that my breath caught in my throat when he finally spoke.

"Do you normally snog the bleeding daylights out of unsuspecting blokes, run your nails down their backs until they can't see straight or think with the right head, and then disappear for days, or is it just me?"

I didn't even flush at his mention of how I got carried away. "It's you. And I was only gone for one."

"I see." He got up and went to his room, slamming the door hard. And walking out on me for once. I cried hard that night, for the first time since Fabian.

It was a month of terse and tense silence, and the train ride home found me a bit of a wreck. I sat with Alice and Marlene as usual, with an addition of one Frank Longbottom. Frank and Alice were awkward with the first stages of finally acting on years of attraction and Marlene was asleep, so I excused myself to go brood in peace.

I sat in the empty prefects car, where it was sure that no one would bother me. I attempted not to think, and failing at that, I attempted not to cry with slightly more success. I knew he was outside the car, pacing and frantic and trying to hide it. It was why he wasn't sitting with his mates. He'd come here to get away only to find I'd beaten him to it. And he was probably angry with me over that as well.

I was staring through the glass of the door, daring him to come in. He did. He didn't say a word and I didn't look away. James sighed as he sat down beside me. The train rumbled through the quickly darkening countryside and that was the only noise besides the rain assaulting the window.

"I can't do this, at least not yet," I said.

"I know. I don't think I _should_ do this," he answered.

"We work together, yeah? It isn't a good idea." There was no resolve in my voice.

"It will make things bloody tense," he said.

"We can be friends," I said, my tone sardonic as if I didn't really believe it. I swallowed down the lie. "I'd like to be your friend."

He looked at me, like that night on the petrol sign. It made my stomach drop to the rails and my palms sweat and _how in the bloody hell could we ever be friends?_

"We'll be friends then, Lily Evans."

I took out a book and he pulled out a rolled up Quidditch magazine. We let the rain fill the silence and I tried, Merlin I tried, to shake off the feeling that I'd made a mistake.


	9. Cracks in the Pavement

_Is this a test? It has to be otherwise I can't go on. -_Tool

The winter was cold and there was no Christmas. The fires that usually burned in our house were out. The grates were dirty and there was no one to clean them. My father had died and no one had told me. My mother was sick with grief and Petunia had left. My father was in an urn downstairs, my mother had moved into the spare room, and Tunney's room was completely bare. She wouldn't look at me when she visited mum, and neither would her puce-faced fiancé. I stood at my father's grave alone everyday and I couldn't bring myself to cry.

I was living alone in that house. Everything echoed in the emptiness and I would have done just about anything to have Tunney there again, if only just to glare at me. Though I didn't think much, I knew a few things for certain. I was not coming back here after Hogwarts. Tunney would be married and my mother on the continent away from the memories that were slowly taking her down. The trouble with it all was that I had no alternate plan.

It was suffocating, pretending for the neighbours and my family that I was a muggle at a school for the gifted, that I would be the first in my family to continue on to university but eventually marry and all the rest. The lying was wearing thin and though I had yet to decide where to go or how to live, I had resolved that I wouldn't spend my life hiding who I was. I was born a witch, and turning out to be a bloody good one, and no one would take that away from me, muggle or wizard.

I stared at the falling snow, hating that bedroom, hating that house, hating that I couldn't close my eyes. When the first pebble hit my window, I was almost glad for the break in the silence even if it was a death eater. As I crept to the window with my wand out the thought occurred to me that death eaters didn't throw pebbles at windows. But Severus wasn't quite a death eater, not yet.

But it wasn't Severus, and my heart contracted before nearly exploding when those bloody glasses looked up at me, his grin and messy hair making me deliciously warm and icy cold all at once. James Potter always seemed to show up when tragedy struck, and Merlin was I ever grateful this time. I apparated with a louder-than-usual crack down into the yard, forgoing a coat because I was flushed all over.

"What are you doing here?" I could not think properly, my thoughts flickered in and out of focus. It was almost like the night in the kitchens, that same reckless feeling, but this time I swore I wouldn't be so selfish.

He shifted his feet and mussed his hair. "Throwing pebbles at your window."

"I see."

We were the last ones off the train at King's Cross and the excuse of clearing the train and checking for sleeping first years was feeble at best. He'd spent the better part of a month angry with me, barely looking at me in fact, and then the last four hours happened and oh, I was at a loss for what to think or do. As I walked behind him through the narrow corridors of the familiar train I swear the air around him was shimmering, he was expelling the same nervous energy that I was, maybe ten-fold.

We reached the front lavatory, and where I was expecting an awkward silence and a hasty goodbye, I got a shove against the door and a kiss so rough it hurt; teeth scraping teeth, noses that could not find a perch, biting down so hard it bled, and he didn't care. He was confused and frustrated, and honestly, it was my fault.

But my fingers still wove themselves into his hair and pulled and pulled and I didn't notice it was over until he was walking away and I was heaving against the wall. Well, turn about was fair play, yeah? Even if he was being cryptic and childish, I'd started this. We can complain about fairness and misfortune, but the truth of it is most of the time we create our own disasters.

And now here he was. His eyes were rimmed red and his hair was as hopeless as ever. He looked dazed, as if he had come back from a waking dream and was just now realizing where he was and what he was doing. He was such the lost little boy just then, that I took his cold, chapped hand and apparated us back up to my room. I didn't spare a thought for my mother or her reaction. I was secretly hoping that finding a strange boy in my bedroom might knock her back into the land of the living.

I sat at foot of my bed and he took his time looking around the room. Everything was put away, the floors were swept the desk was bare; it was as if I'd not arrived at all. He looked at the framed photographs, chuckling when he realized that they weren't moving. I was beginning to get nervous at his silent examination of my childhood bedroom. My heart leapt into my mouth when he made himself comfortable on my pillows, kicking off his trainers and putting his hands behind his messy head.

"Won't your father have kittens should he come into check on you and find me here?" Of all the brilliant things to say, he'd gone and picked the one thing sure to make me wince. And then he bloody well noticed it.

"Sore subject?" he asked. He didn't sound too concerned that he'd hit a nerve. He sounded almost giddy with it.

"Well, bugger. If it isn't her body, or her skin, or her hair, it's her daddy problems. Every bird has a damn story, yeah?"

It was like being punched in the gut. "I don't much think he'd care seeing as he's dead."

His eyes went wide, perhaps realizing what he'd done, perhaps not. I didn't care.

"Technically he's in a jar downstairs in a cupboard so my mother won't have to look at his ashes you see, but I gather that if he were alive, he'd probably shoot you dead. With a gun. And it would hurt. You'd bleed. All over my pretty violet sheets."

He was pale in the moonlight and I was relishing the chance to make him as uncomfortable as he'd made me so many times. It was sadistic and wrong, and it is true, we hurt those we care for most, even when we don't realize it.

"Does that answer your bleeding question Potter?"

"I'm sorry, Evans."

"Don't say that. I hate when people say that. What are you sorry for? You didn't kill him. What on earth do you have to be sorry about Potter?"

"Being an insensitive arsehole who shows up unexpectedly at ungodly hours of the night because he can't sleep to remind you of things you were looking to forget."

I scoffed in retort. I was confused; this was confusing. This boy that I had apparated into my house, a house that wouldn't be home from much longer, the same boy whose kisses I couldn't get out of my head; he was making a mess of my thoughts.

I tucked my legs under me and pulled my hair out of my face. "Why are you here, James?"

"Because I want to be…well, I'm not sure. I want to be your…something. I don't know what to call it exactly because I don't know what _it_ even is. I want to talk, and laugh and drink and just be while I still can, yeah? And I want a snog like the one we had in the kitchen, and sometimes like on the train, but mostly the kitchen. And I don't want either one of us to run away after because they don't know what to say. Maybe we don't need to say anything, yeah?

"I want to sit next to you in class, and take the mickey out of Sirius when he's being ridiculous, I want to help you with your shoddy wand work in transfiguration, and not just because I'm absolute shite at charms. I…"

He trailed off, and I wish he had kept talking. It was disjointed and didn't make much sense, but that was what made it perfect, why it fit. I was disjointed and didn't make sense. He was just as lost as I was, wandering around looking for something he couldn't name, but that he'd surely recognize when he saw it.

"And…" I took a breath and swallowed to clear my dry throat. "And if I can't be your anything? At least not yet?" He looked away, as if he had been expecting this. I didn't know what to do.

I crawled toward him and lay my head on his shoulder; I wandered into unfamiliar ground. He was shaking a bit, it was the nerves I imagined. He had shown up at my house for a reason and even though he didn't know what exactly it was, he needed me at the moment, and I needed him too. I'd rejected him again, but it wasn't out of cruelty or even because I wanted to. I couldn't lie to him. I wasn't through with belonging only to myself. At least not yet.

When his arm came down around my shoulders I leaned up and pressed my lips to his, gently, almost as if I hadn't done it at all. When I let go he came at me, and it was just like that night in the kitchens except it didn't end with me running. It ended when the sun hit my eyes and I realized my pillow was breathing beneath me.

The light filtered through the window and I heard the ghost of Petunia puttering about the bathroom. It made me sad.

He sat against my footboard, glasses off and staring out my window into the white, white light of the snow.

"What the hell did Marlene do to almost land herself in the bowls of the sodding ministry?"

My breath hitched, and he noticed. "Don't lie to me Lily," he added.

I never thought he'd ask me. I didn't think he wanted to know. I knew he'd tell Sirius and that would lead to an explosion the likes of which we'd never seen. I could see the bugger jumping on that flying motorbike, straight to Marlene's window and shaking her until her teeth chattered. But I didn't lie. I couldn't.

"She went looking for Yaxley. Their mums had been friends back in their Hogwarts' days, back before things were so…tense. The long and short of it is Marlene was angry and not thinking straight. She was under the impression that Yaxley would at the very least walk away with the idea that he'd been a wanker; that at worst it would be no more than a few curses on her part to teach him a lesson. She struck first and well, she doesn't remember much after the cruciatus hit.

"That's why she's not pressing for an investigation," he said, still not looking at me.

" And why those tossers get to walk around looking pleased with themselves."

"Bloody hell," he whispered.

"She didn't know what she was walking into. I mean, look at the slimy prick, he doesn't scream 'death trap' does he?"

He didn't answer; didn't utter a word. His knuckles were white as he gripped my sheets and the thought that _bloody hell_ there was a boy in my bed—and not just any boy, but James Potter, who kissed me breathless and then disappeared, only to show himself weeks later, throwing pebbles at my window.

"How are you getting to the station? he asked.

"I'm apparating, why?"

"Don't," he said. "You've not passed the ministry exam and they'll be monitoring such things much more closely. Take the knight bus, or a car, at the very least call on the ministry for an escort. Whatever you, don't bring your mum or your sister.

"Do you know something I don't James?" I asked. My stomach, which I had thought couldn't possibly bottom out any more hit a new low.

"I have inklings. You know you're a target either way, yeah? Don't paint the sign any redder."

I crawled down and pressed my lips to his again, just barely. I inhaled and so did he and we spent moments in the sun with our minds blissfully blank.

When we sat up, he pushed my dressing gown all the way off my shoulders; he rubbed his thumbs in small circles on the dusting of freckles he found there. I kissed him again, and he got up, shoving his feet into his trainers. James pressed his mouth to my forehead and held it there as he whispered, "for the love of magic Lily Evans, be careful. I want to see you on that train with every last wonderful ginger hair still on your head, you hear?"

I nodded and he disapparated with a tiny pop. My head hit the pillows, and this time they smelled like him. I inhaled deeply and laughed at the cliché I was becoming, I laughed for the first time in months, not out of humour but out of _fear_.


	10. But my soul must be iron

But my soul must be iron… -Tool

"I think you're a selfish cow, Lily Evans.

I'd been reading in the prefect's car since the end of the meeting. James had left directly there after. We'd been pleasant to one another, and he'd been happy to know that I'd taken the knight bus to the station. Mary MacDonald had been on the bus as well and was good company. It was good to see him again, despite his keeping me at arm's length. I can't say I blamed him, and I can't say I also wasn't somewhat relieved.

And then Sirius Black thought it a good idea to burst in and insult me.

"What was that Black?" My tone dripped with poison. I was in no mood to deal with _his_ mood, and I told him as much.

YOU. ARE. A. SELFISH—"

"I heard you the first go around, thank you. What the hell is it you want?"

"I want you the bloody hell out of my mate's head Evans. Either give in or bugger the hell off before you drive us all mad!"

He slammed out of the car so hard I was afraid the glass would crack. My stomach went cold; the fine hairs on my arms went on end. My face flushed. I was disgusted with myself, yet again. Sirius Black; beautiful, insightful, Sirius Black was right once again and I hated that.

* * *

"I can't believe he called you a cow," said Marlene later that evening, in between bites of chocolate. She was speaking with her mouth full and it was utterly disgusting.

"Close your bloody mouth and finish chewing before you speak," said Alice from across the room without looking up from her textbook.

"I can," I said. " He's right. I have been nothing but a self-absorbed cow. You either want it or you don't, yeah?"

"And do you want it?" asked Marlene. At this, Alice looked up.

I took a deep breath and held it for a long while. There were no thoughts or memories running through my mind; only imprints of sensations. Touches, looks, kisses and his breath down my neck as he held me on that cold night in my childhood bedroom.

"Yes," I answered. "I do."

She took another bite of chocolate and then tossed the bar in my direction. "Thought so. Now all you have to do is gather the stones to tell him."

* * *

It was but a few days later and I was sitting alone at the Hog's Head, nursing a mug of warm, strong mead. My heart and my head were pounding at an awful rate. The late night drinking in a dirty pub when I should have been in my dorm and in bed most likely wasn't helping.

I looked up as the bell on the door rang, signaling his rather unexpected entrance.

"Hello," I said as he signaled the bar for a mug of something.

"Worcher, Lily."

"What are you doing out so late?" I asked.

"Avoiding Sirius and looking for you."

"Interesting," I replied. An idea was slowly taking shape in my mind. I don't know if it was the mead or the longing, or the fear that one or both of us could be dead soon, but regardless, the seed was beginning to sprout.

He took a long drink from his mug and looked me over. For the first time I didn't blush.

"Your eyes are especially green now that the bloodshot from the drink has taken over."

"Is that right?"

"Yes. I don't like it. Lily Evans doesn't get pissed alone in a dodgy pub," he said taking a last long drink before signaling for another.

"I'm not alone anymore," I retorted. I was bolder than ever and it was not because of the drink.

When he didn't answer, I plowed on. "Trying to catch me up are you?" I said whilst taking a long glance at his new mug.

He smirked but remained silent, and I grew frustrated. "Well you've sodding well found me, Potter. What is it you want?" I drained my mug and slammed it on the table with an unwarranted hostility.

"I want you to stop lying. And I want you to stop tonight. Right now. I need to hear the truth, and I need to hear it from you, if only once before I join the Order and wind up blown to fuck-all."

The blood red blossom unfurled all at once in my head. It was done, and though my face didn't burn, the rest of me did.

I nodded as I got up and buttoned my coat with hands left unsteady by the drink and what I was about to do. I wrapped my scarf around my neck and threw my money on the table.

At the open door I turned to him, and with a stare that matched his own I said, "I love you. I can't help it; I don't want to help it. I sodding love you. That's the bloody truth."

I let the door slam behind me and walked exactly 15 paces to the west. I fought every natural instinct I had to turn and run. It was the edge, and I was going off of it. The only question was, would he still follow me down now that I'd finally let him?

I waited until the warmth of the drink had worn off. I waited until even the parts that were well covered were numb. I did not bother with a heating charm. Things would stay suspended until he came out.

I turned around to hold my back to the wind and damn near collapsed with relief when I felt his hand on my shoulder.

He turned me around and I _knew_ there was no way I'd turn back, not ever. Even if it was fleeting and short, whatever _it_ turned out to be, it would be _mine. Ours._

I kissed him. Ignoring the cold, and the lips broken from the wind, and the snow that threatened to bury us, I kissed him. His arms were vices, which only made me press into him more. Just when I thought I'd very much like to combust along side him, a bleeding fireball hit the trees 100 meters further west.

I was paralyzed and he along side me. Duels in the halls do not prepare you for the smoke and debris flying in the wind. Defense practicals do not prepare you for the roars of explosions and the ear-splitting screams of strangers begging for their lives.

"Sodding hell, get down the pair of you!" An imposing shadow leaned over and grabbed us both by the shoulders, avoiding curses by what was either the strongest shield charm ever cast or sheer luck.

We were pushed into a back room at the Hog's Head and barely had time to cough before the bar keep was shoving us through a portrait of a young girl and yelling at us to _bleeding well run and not look back._

James grabbed my hand, and with wands lit, run we did. It was a straight-line, dark tunnel. No twists, no shadowy alcoves and only two frail _lumos maximus_ to guide us into a comfortable version of the come -and-go room where none other than Professor Dumbledore was waiting.

I stood there, gapping like a fish and listening to James try and fail to come up with a good excuse for the head students being off grounds, bloody and sooty and coming in through a passage way that was most certainly off-limits.

"Do not attempt to explain Mr. Potter, it does not matter. You two are to stay in the castle and do your jobs. Patrol, monitor the prefects, and above all keep the younger students calm. You will set an example. There will be no discussion of this night with anyone. No one is to know that either of you saw, or even had any idea of what is taking place right at this moment before it is announced tomorrow. You will now take this opportunity to make yourselves presentable and then be straight on your way back to Gryffindor Tower. Am I understood?"

James began to speak and I interrupted him. "Hogsmead was just attacked. Out of nowhere. Why?"

"There is never a concrete explanation for evil, Miss. Evans." I opened my mouth to retort and he held up his hand to cut me off. "It might not be the answer you were looking for Miss Evans, however it is the only answer you shall have. Goodnight."

With that he was gone.

Much later, we were huddled by the fire, in the false security of Gryffindor Tower. I had come down from my shower to find James carving something into the mantle. He refused to let me see, saying it wasn't finished yet, that he needed to sort it out with his wand later. I was too exhausted from the drained adrenaline to argue.

"People died tonight," he said whilst stroking my still damp hair.

I sat nestled between his legs; my head leaning heavily back against his chest.

"People have been dying every day," I answered in a whisper.

"But I'm so happy my head is spinning," he said.

I snuggled closer into his chest. "Me too," I answered

After a pause, a thought occurred to me. With my eyes closed I gave a chuckle and murmured, "typical."

"How's that Evans?"

"I tell you I love you, and the world begins to end. I can't decide if it's funny or just mad."

He quickly turned me around to face him. Nose to nose, nearly lips to lips he answered, "I don't fucking care, love. You're mine. The world's always been a bit mad." He ran his long, long fingers through my matted hair, securing his hands at the base of my skull.

"Sod it all," he said. And then he kissed me, and I kissed him, and it was violent and beautiful, and _real_. This time, neither of us walked away.


	11. Trivialities

Short and sappier than I've ever done, but I still like it.

* * *

I thought that if I ever landed Lily Evans I'd be shouting it from the rooftop. I thought I'd fly my broom with a banner attached. I thought I'd want the world to know. The truth was, I wanted Lily Evans all to myself. I'd bide my time and wait to see if she's let it slip first. She did nothing but throw heated glances in my direction, her breath heaving and her lids heavy. She did nothing but press into me before, during, and after patrols. There was never a soul to be found, but I'm sure if someone were to pop in, it wouldn't stop her. It wasn't shame; it was pure, hungry, selfishness.

My conversations with the lads were half-hearted at best; our runs with Remus were a poor distraction for there was only one place I wanted to be. I looked forward to the hurt and the scratches because I knew who would be waiting with murtlap in the common room. She never smiled then. She wiped my arms and torso with a rag and healed me as best she could. Any scar she left I wore with pride. She didn't question why I'd not been more careful, she didn't scold me anymore. She pushed my hair away from my forehead with cold fingers and took off my glasses and kissed my eyes and whispered that _goddamn_ _it_ she was relieved that I was all right. It was the only time we said "I love you", and it was the only time we didn't need to.

I remember that her hair was as red as ever, and that she never once wore it straight again.

"My mum had curly hair," she'd told me once. I hadn't asked, but she'd caught me staring. I didn't ask what she'd meant by "had" either. We both knew she wouldn't say the words and I didn't have it in me to push her even if that might have been what she needed.

It, we, came out one day when Sirius, always reliable, Sirius cornered Lily, and I swear if I had been there, I'd have socked him but right good. He blamed her for my short attention span, for being so just, _not there, _so_ tuned out_. Truthfully, there was no one to blame. It was inevitable that we would consume the other.

That night, we'd not seen much of each other and I was looking forward to clearing out the common room for just the two of us. I walked in to find it bustling with all of Gryffindor house, and myself at a loss for how to get rid of them all. I didn't see Lily at first in the mess and that was all that mattered. If I'd been obsessed before, well, I didn't know what to call the aftermath of having her.

I walked up the stairs to the dorm, on my way to find the map and then she called out. She was wedged between Sirius and Marlene; Sirius looked slightly angry and Marlene looked as if she were holding him back. Lily, my Lily, had a look on that I'd not seen in a long while. She looked defiant, as if she were taking on a dare.

"Oi, Potter!" she called out. The common room stopped. Sirius hitched a breath and Marlene's eyes were shinning. Alice and Frank looked up curiously from their newly minted corner on the love seat. The memory will be blue ocean water clear until the day I die.

"Yeah Evans?" I answered. She bit her lip and smiled. My heart stopped and she knew it.

She had turned around and got up on her knees, the firelight casting a shadow along the wall that obscured everything else.

"Go out with me?" she called across the common room.

The common room went from riot-level noise to dead silent at the sudden breach in protocol. Girls did not ask boys out. Lily Evans did not give James Potter the time of day. Until now.

When I didn't answer, she jumped over the couch and ran up the boy's stairs to where I was standing. She took my hand in her strangely cold ones and said, "I mean it, go out with me. Hogsmead or not."

The world had shrunk as it often does in moments like those. We were two alone on a stair case without a room of children staring and wondering when, why, and how their reality got turned on its head.

"I'll think on it shall I?" I answered, my smile growing more crooked, the way I knew she liked.

"Horse shit," she said. And then she kissed me. Her hair came undone from its knot as I grabbed her head and the room erupted in cheers. Or so we heard later.

Sirius had been slack-jawed and speechless, Marlene was leading the cheer and Frank and Alice joined in shortly there after. Our friends, they were all there and we didn't even spare them a glance. Anything outside of us was no more than a triviality.

* * *

"I can't believe you sodding did that," I told her later on that night. Everyone had gone up to bed, ushered away by more responsible prefects.

She looked up from the floor where she was tinkering with some muggle piece of machinery.

"Can't you? One of us had to eventually, and Sirius was beginning to piss me right off with the bloody inquisition he waged because you wouldn't pay him attention. So I did it. Just like you used to, only with better results." She winked at turned back to her machine.

"What in the bloody hell is that?" I asked.

"It's a typewriter. Muggles use it to write."

"Write what?" I asked.

"Anything really, although mainly letters and books. Or school projects I suppose, I'm not really sure. This was one of my dad's; he loved it so."

She ran her hands lovingly over the keys marked with letters and numbers, and went to that place in her mind I couldn't follow her to.

"This one is older, from the 1940's, much older than the models they use now. I suppose you could call it a family heirloom."

"It's beautiful. Makes me wish I'd paid more attention in muggle studies."

She laughed and pulled out a bright white sheet that I knew couldn't be parchment; it was flattened out and much too thin.

"It works like this," she said as she put the sheet through the machine.

"You put the paper into this slot and then turn the dial. Then you press down on the keys to form the words, just as if you were writing by hand."

It took patience but not a lot of time to figure out. Personally, I didn't see the appeal but it was something that she did with such love and attention that I couldn't help being absolutely captivated.

* * *

"I don't even recognize you," Sirius said. We were on our way to the willow with Pete in tow.

"He's in love, like you" Pete interjected.

"Excuse me? I do not remember ever saying such a thing," replied Sirius.

"Oh bollocks!" Peter and I shouted together.

"I'm sorry I've been neglecting you lot. I don't mean to. I honestly didn't think I would but—"

"Its sodding Lily Evans and we didn't expect any less. Sirius will get over it and eventually you will come down off your cloud," Peter interjected.

"Precisely, thank you Pete," I said.

We'd reached the willow and Peter transformed to hit the knot.

"You'd sodding well better you go," Sirius said. "You come down soon or Marley and I will drag you both back."

"Oh so it's Marley now, is it?" I asked as we went through.

"Shut it wanker," he replied.

"There you see? We're back to normal already."


	12. Keys

Dead mother. I have a dead mother. My mother is _dead_. I remained calm since hearing the news. Unusually calm; to quote Alice. The odd thoughts that I did have were those three sentences, and those two words. Dead mother. When it wasn't that it was James Potter and I will readily admit that I focused on the latter for it was infinitely more pleasant. The kisses we'd shared hidden on the train were gentler, as if we were afraid of each other. We labeled nothing, we said nothing, but as usual it was Hogwarts; everyone knew and eventually I revealed it in the loudest way possible.

Sirius and Marlene followed the same rule of silence, and again everyone knew. After her 'accident', he barely left her side, let go of her hand or said good night without a kiss. And when it was after hours and the invisibility cloak went missing, no one questioned it. Frank and Alice had gotten engaged, which was as a shock to me, but marriage at a young age was common in wizarding society particularly at that time. They were beautiful together; even the frightening and difficult Augusta Longbottom let the occasional grin slip.

"Are you going to make an honest woman of Marlene?" I'd joked one night when Sirius and I were sitting by the fire.

I saw his reflection on the fire-lit window. He ignored my question.

"Someone should talk to McGonagall about updating this place. Re-do the sealing charms on the windows and healing charms in here as well. Far too drafty in here.

He got up and stretched his long limbs.

"See you in the morning Lily darling." He ruffled my hair much the same way my father used to and walked calmly up the boy's stairs.

I put down my quill and took a look around. The hearth was large enough for the main area, but the many nooks could use a bit of heat as well. More rugs along the floor would make for softer seating and help with the cold of the stones. Although there remained the question of over heating in the few warm months there were. I made some notes and then went back to potions. Ignoring the pit of my stomach that threatened to explode out of me.

I barely batted an eyelash when James and Marlene walked in—an hour after the rest of the team might I add-and Marlene walked straight up the boy's stairs.

James plopped down on the sofa above me and reset the blaze in the hearth.

"You smell positively awful," I said without raising my eyes from my homework.

He scratched his nose from under his glasses, as he was wont to do when he was tired. "Thanks love."

After a pause he said, "Oi, mind telling your mate that much as quidditch is my life and all, running quaffle drills late into the night in this horrid weather is not my idea of a good time? Oh, and that she ought to spend some nights in her own bloody bed. She's ruining our masculine dynamic."

"I thought you liked the cold," I said.

"Yes, but not to the point of freezing my sodding fingers off."

I closed my text and rolled up my parchment. I moved from the floor to the sofa next to him and planted a quick and messy kiss on his cold, chapped lips.

"I've had some ideas, courtesy of our Sirius for warming this place up," I whispered.

"Yeah?" he said scooting closer and snaking an arm around my shoulders.

"Yes," I said as I moved back and unrolled the parchment I'd made notes on earlier. He listened to my distracting myself like the darling he was even though we both knew better.

I cast the strongest heating charm I knew on my bed and night cloths, drawing my hangings around me at once. I was under the influence of dreamless sleep no later than 10:15 every night and out a few minutes later, counting on Alice to rouse me in the morning.

"I don't like you taking potions," she'd said frankly one morning. "What will happen when you run out? And don't say you'll just brew more because even Slughorn isn't that thick. You'll turn into one of those—"

"Alice please—"

"Let me finish! One of those hags you see down Knockturn Alley begging on the streets. Dreamless sleep is meant to be used in moderation and only when needed, under healer supervision. Not brewed and taken in mass when you're upset and can't sleep! Your parents are dead. I'm sorry, we all are. But the fact is love, drugging yourself won't bring them back!"

Red in the face and rather shocked by what she just said, Alice took a heavy breath and slammed out of the room. I sat down on my bed, still drowsy from last night's dose and looked in my night table drawer. All of the empty vials. I couldn't think.

At that moment, warm if not hot in my bed with the curtains drawn, I looked at the unlabeled vial in my palm, the one I'd pinched from the hospital wing during lunch. The thoughts running through me were maddening. Take it. Don't take it. Take half and save the rest for later. Pour it down the drain. I didn't know what to do. So I put it under my pillow and did nothing. For Alice was right and I knew it. The last thing I needed was to be known as Lily Evans, former Head Girl and potions addict.

* * *

A few days later, I was alone again. I ran my fingers across the antique keys of my father's typewriter, and counted the flecks of dust coming in through the window. My stomach had been churning since the lecture from Alice. I was eating everything in sight one day and skipping every meal the next. I threw myself into my studies one week and ignored all of my homework the next. I ran patrols and the prefects myself one day, and left it all to James the next. But I was always out of bed by seven and under the influence of dreamless sleep by 11. I saw no other way out.

* * *

The dust coming off the curtains was making me sneeze something awful. It must have been years since any other living soul had entered the classroom. It was being used for muggle studies storage; there were hundreds of things considered outdated and obsolete in the muggle world, and wizards studied them with wonder, care and attention. There were car parts, stoves, televisions, telephones, , and all sorts of other muggle "artifacts". To me it was just another dusty room among hundreds in Hogwarts that Professor McGonagall was using to punish me. James and I were to organize and catalogue each item by type and era.

"This is just like detention," he said.

"Can't be," I countered.

"And you would know? Last I've checked you've never had the pleasure," he grunted as he shifted a box of telephones across the room.

"No, I haven't," I answered, "but I have supervised plenty and I know for a fact these are not permitted," I said as I flicked my wand and levitated the box from his hands across the room where the rest of the telephones were being kept.

His ears flushed red and his hands went to his hair. "Old habits I suppose," he offered by way of an explanation.

"That's the last of it," I said as I shrugged off my outer robes and loosened my tie. "Let's call it a day, yeah?"

"All right then," he said.

I turned to leave, but then stopped at his hand on my shoulder.

"Just one thing before we go love," he whispered in my ear. I felt the cold chain go around my neck and his calloused fingers fastening the clip. I looked down and there was a lone typewriter key of a lovely scripted _L._

"Happy birthday love," he said. My eyes filled with tears as we kissed because I realized that even _I_ had forgotten.

We made love that night, and I still didn't sleep. I watched him at his most peaceful and only drifted off as the first waves of light drifted through his curtains.

He woke slowly; shifting his arms from under me and whispered, "No more of that potion Evans you hear? I'll keep you in here every night if I have to."

I turned over, running the back of my hand over that stubble that I loved so, so, much. "All right then," I said. And I meant it that time.


	13. Do No Harm

_She don't mean no harm, she just don't know what else to do about it" –Jane's Addiction._

* * *

"MacDonald's been giving you the eye all week," said Marlene. We were walking back from Care of Magical Creatures, in the snow, and as if I weren't cold enough, Mary's stare sent icy daggers down my spine.

I bit my lip and looked down at my snow-sodden shoes. I felt as if I'd done something terribly, terribly wrong but I couldn't begin to think of _what._ Mary and I were not more than passing acquaintances. Aside from our few mutual friends we did not associate much.

Just than, Dorcas popped up beside us. "I know why," she said, her face dark. "Mary has always fancied James. Considering you've been the object of his undivided affection for years, the only thing that kept her civil was your constant rejection. And now that you've taken up…" She paused there and gave me a pointed look, as everything began to fit together in my mind.

Marlene cast us both her knowing look. "Shut it, Dorcas," I said as I shouldered my bag and stomped up the hill.

That was the beginning. One dark and nasty Monday gave way to a wet Tuesday and a foggy Wednesday. Thursday was much too calm and by Friday it would be war, I could feel it and so could everyone else.

James Potter was with Lily Evans—it was everywhere. It was Hogwarts and the news trickled down like water clinging to the stones in the early morning. Friday someone threw a lit fag on the fuse and blew us up out of our safe ivory tower.

* * *

The idea of friendship is a strange thing. There are levels of closeness that can never be known until they are tested. And that was when I began to tell myself that I would rather be alone. That feeling in your bones, that feeling that moves through your stomach and up into your chest, how it kicks as if it is trying to escape—and it can't. That feeling that tells you something is very, very, wrong. It grew inside me, it made me ever so paranoid, and James felt it too. There was something he wasn't telling me. In fact, it was as if everyone knew, and no one would tell.

Dorcas Meadows began sitting with Mary MacDonald during meals. Soon a host of girls grew around the two of them, and the looks and whispers would have angered me if I hadn't been so sodding confused. And then came the day when I'd had just about enough.

Dorcas was sitting at a library table, alone. The library was about to close and I was irritated enough that there was no fear in me.

I slammed my bag down on the table, glaring down at her from where I stood. She sneered and made to get her things to leave, but I planted my hand firmly down on her schoolbooks and she sat back down.

"What do _you_ want?" she spat out at me.

I sat down across from her, and tried to keep my voice level and low. "What do I want? I'll tell you what I fucking want; I want to know just what in the bloody hell is going on. I don't care that something lodged its way up MacDonald's bum but you and I are supposed to be friends."

She grit her teeth, as if it was painful for her to speak to me. "James Potter. I told you that morning what was wrong, and you were supposed to fix it. Mary was, Mary _is_ head over bloody heels in love with him, and I'm sorry Lily, she got there first. You spent all these years rejecting him, and when she finally got somewhere, you blind-side the girl."

"Excuse me?"

"Oh don't play the daft cow. You might be a right cow, but you aren't daft and that is the one positive thing I have to say about you now. She told you, that day on the knight bus. You _knew_ and you did it anyway!"

"She told me she'd found _someone_. She never specified. How was I to know? It's not like we're best mates."

Dorcas rolled her eyes deep into her head as she gathered her things from under my grip.

"Look, if you've any conscious at all, you'll break it off with Potter. Technically _you're _the other woman. Don't be that girl, have some respect for yourself." She threw on her robes and school bag and made for the doors, leaving me dumb-founded.

I knew I had to find James and hear this all from him. My stomach churned, and not because I was expecting a particular answer, but rather because I was not sure I'd believe him. For the first time, I paid attention to the looks and sneers in the hallways. Apparently, even if no one had known about James and Mary, they knew now, and I was being labeled the slag.

I sank into an empty alcove to calm my red face and to _hide._ It was a minute or two before I heard the thinly veiled whispers further down the hall.

"You walked into the Hog's Head that night, you saw _her_ sitting there getting pissed alone. You sat there, drinking, until she got up to leave and declared her _love_," Mary spat. My heart stopped, and my face to my feet went cold.

"And you ate it all up. The princess of Gryffindor finally threw you a bone, and like a sniveling _dog_ you took it! You were there to meet _me_ you absolute bastard! Did you think I wasn't watching? Did you think I'd keep quiet after you disrespected me like that? You were with me, James. Not her!"

Mary was hysterical. Her hair was mussed and her tie was hanging undone about her neck. She seemed ready to rip apart from the inside out. I didn't want to hear anymore, but like that first night with Remus, I could not move.

"You've invented something that never existed Mary," he said. "I told you from the start how things were. I told you it would never lead anywhere. I didn't know what you were expecting from me, and I swear to Merlin if I had this never would have happened. It was only once. I only went down there that night because I heard she was there! Yes, I'd gotten your message and yes, I knew, you'd be there, and no I did not expect it, it just happened. And yes, I regret it. But that doesn't matter now, things are—"

At that moment, right when he mentioned regret, I dropped my wand. My hands were shaking, badly, and my mouth had gone slack to the floor. They spun around at break-neck speed and James' face turned to ash, to compliment Mary's puce complexion.

"Lily, I—, how long have you been there?" he asked. He had not the words but I quickly found mine.

"Long enough. You might have your regrets James, but they pale in comparison to mine. Fuck you. Mary, I'm sorry. You're welcome to him."

With that, I picked up my wand and raced away, as fast as I could. I reached the castle doors and nearly blew them off with the force behind my wand. I heard him calling, pleading behind me. There was no explanation that I wanted to hear.

I ran so fast I felt like I was gliding in the air. Soon his voice faded, and eventually it disappeared. I felt nothing but the wind blowing through me, as if I were floating. When I opened my eyes, I had a fright. I _was _in the air. My wand was gone—as were my hands and arms, and the rest of me. My vision was so much sharper; my senses were on fire. I looked down and saw a slack-jawed James, holding my wand. I'd done it—I'd transformed. I flew faster, until the hawk took over and I didn't remember anymore.

When I woke, I was myself again, uniform and all, with leaves and twigs in my hair on the curled up on the floor of the owlery. Sirius Black was waiting in a corner, half-asleep in his dressing gown and slippers. I sat up and stretched, wincing in pain. He woke up at my cry, and shuffled to his feet, my wand in his hand.

"It's like that the first time. You're muscles are sore from all the bending. I expect your arms feel as if they might fall off." He threw blanket around my shoulders and helped my to my feet, which were bare.

"Yes. How did you find me?" I asked. My throat was dry and my voice was barely above a hoarse whisper.

"Not hard. Jamesie told me what you'd become and by process of elimination I found you on his behalf. He'd of come himself but he was rather afraid you might peck his eyes out."

"Did you know? About Mary?" I asked.

"Of course I knew."

"And why the hell didn't you say anything? This entire time, you let me play the fool!"

"Why would I tell you anything?" he asked. "James is my best mate, and my loyalty is and has always been to him. Hence, my presence here. Did he cock up? Of course. Did I warn him? Definitely. Does any of it matter? No. Because it's over. It's out now. Now hurry the bloody hell up, I'm cold and we are about to be pinched." He threw that bloody cloak over us, that cloak that smelled of _him_ and walked me back to the tower.

I was hoping that James might be waiting, pacing and suffering with worry in the common room when I returned. He wasn't. I thanked Sirius and made my way up to the loos for a shower. Marlene was waiting, an inquisition on the tip of her tongue when I walked out of the showers.

"You never came in last night. You missed morning classes. The entire school knows about MacDonald and Potter. He looks like someone ran over his cat, and she looks so smug I could cold-cock her. Just what in the bloody _fuck_ happened Lily?"

I considered telling her the whole truth for just a second. The fight, all that I'd heard, the transformation, everything. She was one of my best mates. But I didn't. I made up a half-assed version, I cried for her benefit, and we left it at that. I received a week's detention for skiving off morning classes, and I endured the looks of pity and the smug scowls. Mary sat near James at every meal, and to my deeply buried delight, he could not look at her. After a few days he stopped showing up at all.

On my last night of detention he was sitting by the fire, with only a few scattered fifth years that were frantically studying for their OWLS. He looked up as the portrait closed, and I held my head as high as it would go and made for the girl's staircase.

He intercepted me by the steps. He grabbed my wrists and turned me around to face him. In the near dark, he looked almost sinister.

"You transformed," he whispered. I did not answer. "You need to let me explain—what happened with Mary, it was only a snog, only once…she manipulated—"

I cut him off with a slap to the face.

"Shut up. Just shut up! You're a bastard. I've always known; I went into this knowing. But I never thought you could, I never thought..."

He had his hand over my palm print, and his eyes were brimming over with all the explanations he had planned.

"Do you know the worst part?" I asked. "I believe you. That's why I ran. I have no reason to. I should think of you as a bastard bloody _liar_. But I don't. That's why I transformed. Not out of skill, not out of anything positive. I was running, and my legs just weren't fast enough to get me away from _you._"

"Lily, please just let me—"

"No. I know you have many, many, things you want to say. They might all be true. But I don't want to hear them."

I should have pulled my wrists back. I should have turned and left. But I didn't. And he did not move either. There was a noise above me, and I snapped out of my temporary hypnosis. I grabbed him by the wrinkled collar of his school shirt and kissed him, hard, violently. Like the first few times we'd kissed. It was so bloody _good_, and so bitter sweet because it couldn't happen again. We belonged to each other so briefly, and soon it would be over. I didn't want to bother with forgiveness. I wanted to travel back in time for just that one second before I left it all behind.

We pulled apart and kept our heads together, neither quite ready to let go. I wanted to cry again.

"I hate you," I said. "I hate that you make me feel this way, I hate that I _can_ feel this way. It isn't fair."

"I don't want Mary. I never have. When I found you in that pub that night, I _knew _I was doing the right thing. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. The only thing I regret is my cowardice. Lily, I love you, please don't give up on me now."

I was about to explode once more. I could feel it building in my chest. My muscles were preparing to run so I could take off. I bit my lip and prayed for something to rein it in. With open eyes, I kissed him again and peeled myself away. When I reached the top of the stairs, Mary was there. She slapped me hard across the face and disappeared behind the door to her dorm.

I stood there for a moment, just a second. People would talk. People were already talking. For a few weeks I was happy. And warm all over. My eyes were open all the way now and I saw through the haze of new love and the thick fog of lust. I wanted this. If it didn't work out, then sod it. But I wanted this.

I slept fitfully that night, but I slept. In the morning I would be happy. At the expense of another, but I would come first. I waited for the guilt, and it never came.

* * *

The next day was the full moon. Remus was incredibly sick, sicker than I had ever seen him. There was not much I could do for him, as my ingredients supply had run dangerously low from all of my dreamless sleep brewing. The wolf's bane was not up to par, and I was hesitant to give it to him. I was tired, and worn down, and I'd still not talked to James. My cheek still itched from the ghost of Mary's slap, but the beating in my heart told me what I should do. I was just afraid to do it.

Walking to the NEWT potions laboratory that afternoon, I found my courage. There were two Ravenclaws and a Gryffindor that I only recognized from their uniforms; huddled around a window whispering loudly. My stomach dropped, and I knew from their gazes that my name was about to drop. When it did, I turned around abruptly and cast a Sonorous straight at the Gryffindor's throat.

"I heard that she planned the whole sordid affair from the start—"

Her eyes went wide when she realized that her stage whisper had been projected to the entire hall. Everything stopped and I took such satisfaction at the red on her cheeks, extending all the way down her neck. The Ravenclaws both turned white, and a sheaf of parchment floating down was the only movement in the corridor. Much like with Regalus at the start of the term, I took a sick pleasure at starting a fight I knew I would win.

Leaning against a post I said, "don't stop on my account. Please keep going; we're all so curious to know where this _sordid affair _I _plotted_ begins and ends. Especially seeing as how I, the supposed instigator, knew _nothing_ about it. Go on!"

Her hands were clutched at her throat, and I could not have cared less if her cheeks were burning in shame or in anger, or both. I wanted someone to _suffer_.

"Let me make this perfectly clear," I announced, "there was never a sordid affair, there was never a plot, and I don't give a _shit_ about what MacDonald or Meadows or this lot here thinks, does, or says. And the rest of you, best mind your own!" I took the charm off her throat so fast I'm sure it hurt and stomped my way out of sight before breaking out into a full on run.

Later that same evening, I decided to head back down to the potions laboratory and take a final look at the wolf's bane before I had it snuck up to Remus.

"I heard about your slight shit-show in the transfiguration wing this afternoon," said Marlene as she casually came into the room, shutting the door behind her.

"Tell me, honestly, was that necessary? Because of a twit twice scorned and a load of shite-eating gossips, you charmed a 6th year's throat?"

"Maybe it was, maybe not. I wasn't thinking."

"Quite obviously not."

"I'm not in the mood Marlene. I've things to do, if you'll excuse me."

She caught my arm by the door and squeezed it hard.

"Like it or not Evans, you've got a bridge to burn, and an awful short window to decide which one it's going to be."

"Sirius' code-talk is rubbing off I see." I snatched my arm back and walked out of the door, ignoring her likely obscenity saturated rejoinder.

I made it down to my cauldron and just from the smell in the room I knew something was off. It was as if someone had burnt a holly bush and let the smoke go stale. There'd been someone at my station, the cauldron was cooling and 3 phials were gone. It was odd, and when I looked down and saw the color of the potion, which was the source of the smell, I took off running. Someone was trying to poison Remus.

Students and professors all blurred around me as I pushed and knocked them over, praying to every deity I knew of that I would find one of them in time, somehow.

I slammed into his back as he was pulling open the passageway, looking put-out and thankfully without his cloak. I grabbed him by the back of his robes and startled by it he turned and slammed me hard into the wall, knocking the wind out of me.

"Merlin Lily, you gave me a right scare, what in the hell—"

"There isn't any time, did someone, you, Sirius give Remus phials? From my station?

He looked confused. "Yeah, some third year dropped them off this morning, said they were from you. Why?"

I swallowed hard. "They weren't from me. Someone poisoned the cauldron, probably last night. I don't know. When I went in to check just now, I noticed the smell. Like burning Hol—"

"Like burnt Holly," he finished. "Sirius snuck them up to the hospital a bit ago. Fuck!"

"If he takes that—I don't know what will happen. He could transform in the hospital wing, he could be ripped in two, I don't know!"

James was gray. "What—what do we do?"

"We run the fuck up there and if he's taken it, we shove a bezoar down his throat."

"Will that work?" he asked.

"I've no idea." We ran.

As we were running, it dawned on me what would happen once we reached the hospital. I did not have a spare case of Bezoars in my robe pocket. Even if I did, we were about to burst into that ward like a pair of wild animals; wild animals who were not supposed to _know. _As fate would have it, we were running past the Headmaster's office when I pulled James back by the robes.

"We need to tell Dumbledore," I said, out of breath.

"What are you on about," he said, grabbing my hand. "We need to run, Remus—"

"Go ahead without me," I said after I'd bitten out the password. I was already on the stairs and he was still holding on to my robe.

"Lily, please, I don't know what to do once I get there!"

"Haven't you been listening? We can burst in there, but there isn't a damn thing we can do on our own, we need help. Go!" I pushed him just as I was being pulled out of reach. When the stairs hit the door, Professor Dumbledore was already pulling it open.

"I know. Professor Slughorn has already been informed and has an antidote ready in case Mr. Lupin has ingested the potion. Come inside Lily." I damn near sagged in relief.

I dared not reveal any secrets that were not my own. I told Professor Dumbledore about the wolf's bane. I told him how I'd used school resources to brew something that wasn't exactly legal and quite obviously fatal if done incorrectly. In a way, it was freeing. He sat there, his fingers poised in a pyramid under his nose taking in every word with a blank expression.

"I see," he said when I'd finished.

"Miss. Evans, I must say, when I chose you for head girl, I was expecting something, or perhaps, someone else. I was expecting a student who knew the code of conduct inside and out; a student who would herself abide by this conduct. You have not lived up to this expectation."

I hung my head. I wondered just then if he knew about everything else. The other potions, my illegal, and in retrospect quite public transformation, everything.

"Sir, I—"

"That being said," he interrupted, "I suppose I should have seen it from the beginning. You, Miss. Evans, would never let a friend suffer, no matter what the cost to yourself. I cannot punish you for that."

My eyes went wide, as I took in the implications of all that he'd just said.

"I don't want to sound presumptuous or disrespectful sir, but how did you know, about tonight?" I asked.

"I was told," he answered. "Severus Snape came up here not two hours ago and told me that a poisoned dose of wolf's bane had been switched with the regular dose that Remus Lupin normally takes each month. Naturally I wondered about this 'normal dose', as I had no idea that such a difficult and controversial potion was brewed here at Hogwarts, but that hardly seemed like a point to press at the time."

"Snape? Severus told you? How did he know? Did he—"

"I very much doubt Mr. Snape is capable of such a thing, Miss. Evans."

"No. No of course he isn't."

"Promise me, no more adventures tonight. Go back to your dormitory and get some rest."

"Of course, Sir. Thank you Professor."

Naturally, and I am very sure he knew I wouldn't, I did not return to Gryffindor Tower. I marched straight to the Dungeons, where I knew I would find him. Sure enough, he was there, waiting in an alcove where we used to meet.

"Severus," I said. "We need to talk."


	14. The Curious Case of Severus Snape

There is nothing clean about war. There is no loyalty in battle. Every so often you must look to your enemies. And that is what James never understood.

* * *

My name is James Thomas Potter. Her name is Lily Moira Evans. And on a cold night in February, neither one of knew the right thing to say.

I was in a mad dash for the woods, Filch and anyone else be damned. Remus was in bad shape, but nothing stopped the change. The dungeons were dark, and I almost would have missed them if it weren't for her voice.

"Why?" she asked, "I don't understand."

"What is there to understand? You helped me, now we're even."

"So that's it then?

"Yes."

"Bullshit."

"Look—it's done, and no one can know I was the one who warned Dumbledore, do you understand? Just like no one can know that you and I put on that little show before Christmas."

"Why?"

"Because!"

"That isn't an answer. What happened then was for mutual gain."

"Merlin Lily, do you have to have a sodding reason for everything?"

"Yes."

"All right then. It was for Potter."

"Pardon?"

"Wizard's debt," he spat out as if it hurt. "It can't go unpaid, and better to pay it now than later when things become...complicated."

"What on earth are you babbling about?" she asked incredulously.

"He saved my life that night, whether he wanted to or not. He could have let me bleed to death and no one would have been the wiser."

"That isn't true, Remus would have been-"

"Oh don't be stupid! You know Dumbledore would have covered it up for Lupin. Potter is too noble for his own good, and let me tell you something Lily, not everything is about you."

She paused at this. "We were friends once Severus," she said quietly.

"We were," he replied with something between resignation and despair rasping through his voice.

"But that time is done. The more time I spend brooding over you, the more..."

"The less chance you have to prove yourself to that band of bigoted sociopaths?"

"Call them whatever you like. I've chosen the stronger side. There I am useful, I have a place. I'm no one's pet."

"Oh Sev, but you are. You all are. One day you'll see just how expendable life is to him. To all of them."

"Whatever happens will happen. We've chosen, it's done." Her back hit the stone behind her in defeat.

Before his robes had fully landed from their sweep he turned and said, "Potter isn't going to survive this war. Brute force won't make up for his pitiful sentimentality and his ridiculous sense of nobility. And you know it," he finished with a pointed glare.

I don't know if there was more. The moon was almost to its peak, I did not have time to stay and listen.

* * *

It was a bad run that night. With his body and mind so beaten, it was easier that ever for the wolf in Remus to escape, and with Sirius and I so exhausted, it was harder than ever to rein him in. Twice he almost made it to the castle and twice Sirius and I had to corral him back into the forest. By the time it was over, I had broken more than one thing and was bleeding in more places than I cared to think about. Sirius never changed back and I had no idea where Peter went. At a snail's pace I made it back to the common room, with thoughts of that mad evening and Lily Evans weighing heavy on my mind.

When I opened the portrait door, I found her pacing in front of it, waiting for me.

"What happened?" she asked in a quiet voice.

"It was rough but we are all still alive," I answered as I sat down on the sofa.

"Thank God," she replied, as she took out her wand and came toward me.

"We are all alive thanks to Severus Snape."

At that she stopped short and dropped her wand.

"You heard," she said.

"Yes."

"How is Remus?"

"Alive. Don't change the subject. What the hell is going on?" I demanded.

She looked away into the fire and bit her lip.

"When he slashed my arm, all that in the corridor, it was planned; a ruse. He needed to prove something to certain people, and I agreed to help if it meant that no one else would get hurt. I had a numbing charm on my arm the whole time. When you showed up, it was a bonus. They were watching."

The horror moved from my face to my bones and iced my blood. She looked up at me; no fight left in her eyes, just a poor effort to hide her sadness.

"And what did you get out of it?"

"He got them to leave the younger ones alone. For now."

"Why didn't you tell us? Dumbledore? Bloody hell why didn't you go to anyone? Anyone but him?"

"Oh, what does it matter?" she spat.

"Give me a reason Lily, just one, why I shouldn't blow this wide open."

"You wouldn't dare," she said.

"Wouldn't I?"

"You wouldn't. Because Snape is right, you're far too noble. And that can't be, because war is coming James, and you bloody well better not die in it!"

She pushed off the sofa and left me on my back, seething and scared.

She didn't sit for breakfast. Marlene and Alice tried to go after her, even Dorcas lifted an eyebrow but she pushed them away. The hate from Severus Snape burned a hole in the back of my head particularly hard because I knew that they were both right.

* * *

Hogsmead. Leaving the grounds for any reason was still strictly forbidden, and no one dared break the rules. Remus spent over a week in the hospital recovering. Angry as I still was, the sight of Lily by his bedside, pale and guilt ridden tore at me. Remus was awake, and reassuring her that he was all right and there was no reason to fret, that he had enough mother hens between Sirius, Peter, and I.

It was on my way to the kitchens that he found me. Levitated me into an empty classroom, cast a silencing charm, warded the room, and locked the door all without his wand and in perfect silence. I was impressed, despite myself.

I screamed and thrashed in the air and all to no avail. He placed my wand on the desk next to him and then he let me down.

"I am going to speak, you will listen, and then we will both leave here as if none of this has happened. You will tell no one. Nod if you understand." I did.

"You and your lot are the biggest pack of fools I have ever come across. Not only that, you are on the losing side of this war, which I am certain by now you must have caught on. Lily Evans and I had an arrangement, yes. She had been receiving threats, which she ignored. And then Yaxley and Rosier, absolute _masterminds_ that they are decided to make good on them and cursed her. My refusal to involve myself in something I saw as not only careless and pointless but also downright dangerous did not stop them from using my likeness in the spell.

When it came time for me to prove…my loyalties, I had other plans. Less ostentatious but still effective, which was when she caught me. Instead of cursing just any mudblood, pretend to use her. In exchange, the younger ones would be left alone."

He paused and looked to the window, as if deciding on how much more he should reveal. "And Remus?" I asked now that the charm had run it course.

He looked at me then, really looked at me. His eyes had dilated so that no white was visible and his hands gripped the table behind him so hard I feared the wood might crack.

With a mighty swallow he said, "When the time comes, whether it is necessary or if is asked of me, I will kill. And so will the rest of you. However, now is not that time. Remus Lupin's life means about as much to me as mine did to you. I owed you debt; consider it paid. From today on, no more."

"And Lily?" I asked.

At her name, he started. "The same goes for Evans. No more." He took the enchantments off the room and turned to leave.

"You don't have to do this Snape! She cared for you, she might still! There is still time!"

At my words he let the sleeve of his left arm slip just enough to show the outline of a skull inked into his arm.

"No," he said, "there isn't".

* * *

_A huge thanks to anyone still reading. I've got about two more chapters until this part is finished. Thank you for all the reviews, they mean a lot!_


	15. Delirious Love

"Have you ever been in love?" I asked Sirius.

"Are you asking me if I love Marlene?" he countered.

"No. Well not exactly. That aside, have you been in love, really, honestly and truly in love?"

There was a three second hesitation, a pause where the odd bird or two that could be heard through the open bay window of the Gryffindor common room stopped singing. Sirius Black looked at me; a look full of a longing that at the time I elected not to notice. But it was there all the same.

In the next moment it was gone, and he was out of his reverie. He gently tapped his cigarette on the windowsill to relieve it of the ashes and turned his gaze back toward the courtyard.

"Yeah Lily, I've been in love before."

I could see James and Marlene walking back toward the castle with the rest of the team not far behind.

"Why do you want to know?"

"Well, I'm curious I suppose. I know that we're young, really very young by muggle standards. But I don't feel it. Some days I wake up and it presses into me—I feel old Sirius. I feel old and done for and like I've missed something extremely important.

"Evans, you think too much." He put out the cigarette and flicked the remains out the open window.

"You're madly in love with James, and he's as mad over you as he's always been. Whatever else has happened in the past few weeks shouldn't matter. We might not be alive very much longer either way."

"You accepted Dumbledore's invitation as well then?" I asked.

He rolled his eyes. "Bloody James told you?"

"No."

"You mean to say you…"

"Yes, of my very own. And your shock insults me."

"You're right. Head Girl with a bloody fantastic left and right hooks. Not to mention a lack of a sense of self-preservation. Why not."

"You sound almost bitter."

"Maybe I am." He got up at this and straightened his hopelessly wrinkled uniform. As I lit another cigarette he said, "you shouldn't smoke so much Evans." He walked away without his customary wink and hair tussle and I found myself extremely confused.

The common room was empty after Sirius' departure but I didn't leave the window seat until James came down from his shower. I'd used the necessary charms to erase the evidence of my chain smoking, but somehow he knew anyway. It made me want to light up another one.

"How was practice?" I asked after he'd taken up the seat vacated by Sirius.

"Awful. Sun was much too bright. How was chain smoking with Sirius?"

I turned a bit red despite myself. "Right. It was…not as satisfying as I was hoping for."

"What was missing?" he asked.

"You."

"Oh."

"Sirius made an interesting point actually."

"Did he?"

"He did. We need to talk out whatever 'this' is hanging between us. Because we might all be dead soon."

"He's exaggerating again."

"Is he? You've been reading the papers just like the rest of us. We go down to breakfast every single morning and the great hall is like a bloody funeral parlor. We brace ourselves for the next black envelope to drop from the owls and you and I hope that it's not another eleven-year-old left without a mum and dad. And you and I both avoid looking at Severus, who for some reason can't help staring. Explain to me how he's exaggerating exactly."

"Lily, I don't want to talk about this."

"Dumbledore sent me an invitation." At this, I finally got the reaction I'd been hoping for.

"What?"

"He sent me an invitation to join his order and I accepted. And yes, I know about you and Sirius and how you thought you were going off to war without me."

"You can't," he stammered.

"I already have. I refuse to hide and wait to die."

He said nothing. I stared at him, hard.

"I'll stop you," he bit out without looking at me.

"You'll certainly try," I said.

Just then, Remus cleared his throat and we both looked up. We'd been whispering but we might as well have been screaming. He was still peekish from the disaster of the last full moon, but his color had improved some.

"Janet and I are on our way to do rounds," he said. When neither one of us responded he said, "I need the patrol sheet, to sign off on." To his credit James snapped out of it first. Without another word, he slipped off the window seat and made for his bag on the sofa. I took this opportunity to stomp back to my dorm for a shower.

That night the dormitory was empty except for me. I hated the silence and in my frustration my potions and transfiguration texts had been tossed across the room. One landed on a dresser and the other near the wardrobe. As I was contemplating the angle I should toss charms, I heard a knock at the window.

I got up from my rumpled bed in my rumpled night cloths, spat my hair out of my mouth and went to undo the latch. Alice had been wrong; my favorite marauder knew a way into the dorm, all right.

He flew in the room without disturbing a single sheet of parchment on the desks and dismounted with hardly a sound. He stood his broom on one of the posts of my bed and then turned toward me. Suddenly I was the most self conscious I had ever been. He looked like a regular muggle boy; wide legged jeans and a jumper, a watch and glasses and trainers, and I hadn't felt butterflies like this since last Christmas.

"Traded the pebbles for the broom?" I asked.

He turned my desk chair around and sat in it.

"Actually, my original intention was to kidnap you and lock you away somewhere until this whole messy business was over and done with."

He gave a chuckle. "But then my mum's voice burst into my head, howler loud, for even thinking such a thing. It was so real it was like she was alive again. Besides, you'd probably take me down before I even got close to the window again.

I sat down on the bed and bunched my fists in the comforter. "Too right. You'd be out cold in a second. In fact, I might knock you around anyway just for having the idea!"

"Even if I succeeded you'd escape and then I'd really be in for it."

"How could you even think about keeping me out of this?" I asked, quietly. "After everything that's happened."

"Actually, that is precisely why. After everything that's happened. After everyone I've lost, and thinking about everyone I'll probably lose still. I need one thing to come home to. I thought that was you. And then I remembered my mum and dad," he swallowed hard, "which only made it worse."

"What are you talking about?" I whispered.

"My mum is dead. Accident, according to the official ministry line and for a long time I believed it, believed anything Dad said because he was Dad and Dad didn't lie. She was an unspeakable, a lot like you want to be only she worked in defense, intelligence for the Auror department. As we've been mostly peaceful since Grindelwald I never thought much of it. And then about two years back it happened. Dad said it was an accident with the dragon in Gringotts, the Prophet even ran a story about it. Her obituary was bloody beautiful."

His chin was tucked deep into the folds of his hands, and he sounded deflated and nearly dead inside. Suddenly I felt awful for making him so privy to my grief. I knew what it was to want to forget a loved one for my own good.

He continued on, "come to find out a few weeks ago that she was blown to bits by death eaters, former co-workers of hers that had turned to Voldemort. Witches and wizards that we'd had over for bloody Christmas. She wasn't the most vocal witch with her views but clearly, she knew _something,_ she was dangerous to them. Dad took Sirius and I on holiday to Spain right after it happened. He always said it was an accident with the dragon. But I knew better somehow, especially when shifty types came calling at odd hours, always asking 'what he knew', where _it_ was. He didn't know anything."

James was crying silently and without any sadness. His face was hard even through his tears, and his anger gave off a heated wave and the room became ripe with it as he carried on.

"Either he was lying about that as well or someone was unsatisfied because last night, they killed him too. Probably coming for me next, and _that_ will be very disappointing because _I_ honestly know nothing."

I dropped to my knees in front of him. "Dear God, why didn't you say anything?" I asked.

He took my hand. "Because Dumbledore told me not to. It is extremely rare for witches and wizards to not have children these days. Especially those allied with that tosser. And where do you think those children go to school, love? If I'm next, Dumbledore thinks it's best to keep a low-as-possible. Pretend nothing is wrong. Naturally, I'm fantastic at it."

"Oh, James."

"So you can understand why I thought I should at the very least _try_ to keep you the hell out of it? But then I remembered mum and dad and how he never could keep her away from anything dangerous no matter how hard he tried, and how she would have hated him for it in the end."

I stood up to lean against the desk just slightly behind him. "So what now?"

"I don't know Lily. You've as much cause to fight as I. I won't stop you."

"Are you under the impression that it would be any easier for me to sit back and watch you go? That I would wait patiently, twisting my fingers hoping for you to come home? As if I even have a home! No, James, I'm going with you. If only because I don't want to be left behind."

He was on his feet again, and he looked at me as if willing me to tell him what to do.

I wished to Merlin for something to say, but nothing came.

* * *

The month passed and James and Sirius hid their grief in a way that must have been anything but healthy. Slowly, Sirius and Marlene began to drift apart. All she would tell me what that it was only natural, and 'for the best'. Sirius' looks began to make me uncomfortable and a bit queasy but I told no one.

NEWTS came and went, and I did not care whether or not I'd passed a single one. I knew where my future was. The moment I was out of Hogwarts I had a place in one of the safe houses of the Order of the Phoenix.

On the last day of exams, the seventh years were enjoying a sunny afternoon out by the lake, much as we'd done two years prior. Of course, now everything was different. James and I were tucked into each other in the branches of a tree high above the lake, watching the others down below.

"How did you do?" he asked.

"Can't really say I care. I answered questions, waved my wand around some when they told me to. I suppose we'll see at the end of the summer like always," I replied.

"This is so very fucked," he sighed.

"Yes, well show me something that isn't these days," I said.

James shifted under me. "Remember when exams were all you could tear your hair out over?" he asked.

"Barely," I answered. And then I closed my eyes because the very thought made so desperately sad that I might have cried.

Soon enough the rest of his friends joined us by the lake and we spoke of nothing important. Remus stared away at the water, the weight of his burden plainly weighing down on his narrow shoulders, obvious to anyone that knew to look. Alice and Sirius set up a chessboard and proceeded to play one of the more violent matches of Wizard's Chess I'd ever seen. It was all so blissfully normal and yet the fear of the times hung heavy in the very air around us. I wondered if I would ever look in a mirror and see this adult, this grown up woman, this soldier that I was supposed to be. I wondered if I would wake up tomorrow and realize that this had all been pretend after all.

* * *

I owe a great part of this chapter to Neil Diamond.

Also, a huge thanks to everyone that has kept up with this until now, especially for the reviews!


	16. Promises We Couldn't Keep

It was sweltering in the woods, especially for England. I could feel my skin burning, but I walked on. It was nearing noon and I was almost done gathering potion ingredients, roots, plants and whatever else I could find. Magic was kept to minimum, on the orders of Professor Dumbledore, who had gone back to Scotland under the guise of another normal school term. I'd never thought that my first year out of school would have found me scavenging the woods for food and anything I could brew into medicine. Slug and Jiggers was no longer an option.

Agatha Danvers, Benjy Fenwick, Sirius and I had been smuggling muggle- borns and their families onto the continent. Our group took them to a rally point just outside Wychwood Forest, in Oxfordshire to another group that would then take them the rest of the way off the island. It wasn't exactly war, but it was all the good we could do. There was absolutely no way to mount any kind of attack, as we were too few and most of the 'other side' remained hidden in plain sight among others considered to be in society's good graces. The ministry's official stance was that there was no problem. The lives of muggle-borns weren't worth much if it meant keeping the public placid and ignorant. Fear is only a useful tool when those in power benefit from the panic.

The mid-day sun was burning my skin through my shirt and my tongue was swollen in my mouth; it was time to head back to the cabin. I headed east, away from the sun covering my tracks with a silent spell. I was so concentrated on the casting that I missed a step and landed palms first in a rose bush.

The roses were beautiful and it struck me just then how long it had been since I'd seen anything pretty. I let my guard down for a second, and I heard the branch snap under a foot. My reflexes had improved a great deal since leaving school (it now took a lot more out of Sirius to floor me) so I was armed and facing my opponent in seconds—facing my opponent who was no older than 6 by the looks of it.

"You've fallen in daddy's roses," he said.

"Yes, I tripped," I replied.

"You've crushed a few," he said flatly, a tone that no child should have, and yet it was oddly familiar.

"I'm sorry, it was an accident," I said as I made it painfully to my feet.

"Daddy will be cross," he said.

There was something about the way he said the word _c__r__oss _that jolted me. I looked at the boy again. He was young, with blond hair that curled around his ears. He had murky blue eyes and a hooked nose that was slightly too large for his face. And I knew where I'd seen such a nose before. It couldn't be. But then again, it couldn't _n__ot _be.

"Michael! Michael, where are you!"

"That's daddy. You'd better go before he sees what you've done," said the child.

I recognized that voice, and I knew it well. Despite knowing better, knowing that I should be running fast in the other direction, I was rooted to the ground. He came around the bend a few seconds later and my suspicions were confirmed. Tobias Snape scooped up the little boy with a tenderness I'd not once seen him show Severus, and stared down at me with his mouth wide open.

I'm ashamed to say that I didn't think—I reacted. My wand was out and the _O__b__li__v__ia__t__e _was out of my mouth before my mind could catch up with me. He was confused for a second or two and in that second I took off running.

"Sirius! Sirius!" I was screaming when I shouldn't be, there were children I wasn't supposed to alarm, not to mention the fact that I never knew who or what could be listening.

He was out the back door of the cabin in seconds.

"Merlin woman, shut it!" he said. "What the hell is the matter with you? The kids are sleeping."

"Get them up, all of them, we have to go." I was already running past him and into the small cabin, gathering whatever was in front of me.

He grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me until I stopped struggling.

"Lily, the sneak o scope hasn't gone off and neither have any of the wards. We have this place covered for well over 30 kilometers. Sit down and tell me what happened."

"Tobias Snape. Tobias fucking Snape lives not three kilometers from here!"

"Tobias, you mean Severus's father?"

"I saw him, and his son, his younger one. Severus has a brother, but I don't think he knows."

"Slow the bloody hell down and start from the beginning."

I took a breath and I explained what had happened. The slower I went with it, the more I realized that I had been over-reacting. But even Sirius later admitted that the entire thing was odd.

"So the bloke's got an entire other family out here in a cabin in the woods? Merlin and Morgana, do you think Snape knows?"

"I've no idea," I said staring into my tea.

"Where are Shannon and Ethan?" I asked.

"Out with Agatha, it's market day. The kids stayed behind."

"How many days out are the others?" I asked, chewing on a thumbnail.

"Alan and Pandora a week maybe, James, Remus and the others maybe two, two and a half."

"Should we tell someone? I mean should we send out an alert?" I was pacing about the cabin's main room and chewing on what was left of my dirty fingernails.

"And just what the sodding hell would we say?" asked Sirius from the small tattered sofa in the corner, also chewing his fingernails, his brow creased.

"That you saw Snape's father with some second family that no one else knows about, probably not even Snivellus himself?"

"That's just it isn't it? What if Severus does know they're here? We have to move, tonight. At the very least we should let Alistair know. He'll be upset…if we don't. "

He paused at the thought of an upset Alistair Moody. "Right, we should let them know, but stop chewing on your bloody nails and think for a second Lily. Snape hates his father, and let's not forget the man is a muggle, and the boy might be as well. _I__f _Snape knows he's the only one of his lot that does, or else they'd all be dead by now, especially the little boy, and I imagine Snape himself.

The best we can do is pass this down to Moody, get him out here and make sure those people have some kind of protection. Meantime, we do our jobs here."

I'd calmed down considerably by then. Never would I have thought Sirius Black to be the voice of reason in a tense situation. And yet here we both were. I took a deep breath.

"You're right," I said. "I'll get the charms for the missive started."

"First thing you should do is have a bloody bath, love. Honestly, I—" he was interrupted by a knock at the door. Three steady taps that made my blood run cold. We looked at each other and reached the same conclusion; death eaters don't knock. But their muggle fathers might. I moved toward the door, wand at my side my body absolutely ridged. I think I knew before I even touched the knob.

There in front of me, was Tobias Snape, holding his youngest son's hand.

"Hello, Miss Evans," he said.

"Mr. Snape," I whispered in disbelief.

"May we come in please?" It was more courtesy than he had ever shown me in the 12 years that I'd known him. Bloody hell, those were more words than he'd ever directed at me at all.

I moved aside and opened the door a bit wider for them to pass. The little boy was utterly silent and moved quickly behind his father. From behind he looked nothing like Severus, although I don't know what I was expecting.

"I take it my spell didn't work quite right, did it?" I asked as we sat down in the shabby living room.

He bristled at the mention of magic, much like Petunia would have. The thought of my sister in this situation made me uncomfortable.

"You are correct in your assumption," he said as he smoothed an invisible crease from his pants.

"All right then, I'll bite," I said with a tone that over stated my confidence, "what are you doing here?"

"Is Severus with you?" he asked.

"No, of course not," I answered taken aback.

"Then he does not know you're here or that you've seen Michael and I?"

"Mr. Snape, I don't understand."

"Miss. Evans, I'll be brief. My…son cannot know we are here. I know that you owe me nothing, and that perhaps your loyalties do lie with him, but I must implore you to keep Michael and I a secret."

"Excuse me, Sir but why? I mean he's your son." I said it, and I could have kicked myself right after. Why indeed. Then again, his father was a muggle and exactly how much he knew about his son's newest batch of friends was a mystery to me."

"Honestly Miss Evans, I never took you for daft. You know my son is deeply involved with those death eaters. He'll kill us both."

"Oh." So he did know.

In the end, Agatha came back and Auror Moody wasn't that far behind them, having answered the missive. He was there within two hours to 'sort through the bloody mess you incompetents managed to make!' He grudgingly arranged to have protection spells places around Mr. Snape's cottage but made it abundantly clear to all involved that it was for Michael's sake and no one

else's. That, and clearing out as soon as possible would be the extent of the Order's involvement with the matter.

Agatha and Benjy moved the family to the next stop on their way out of England, and Sirius and I were charged with staying behind and erasing all traces of human life and recent activity. After two months in the same place it was no small task.

"You did the right thing, Lily," was all Sirius said about the matter.

We cleaned up and cleared out, and it weighed heavily on my conscience that I could not do more for the brother that, thank Merlin, Severus did not know about. I deeply hoped that murdering or even abetting the murder of a small child was still beyond him, but in those days everything was up in the air and knowing where you stood in the Wizarding World was a luxury few of us, especially those of muggle parentage had.

By the time we'd arrived at the safe house, Benjy and Agatha had already moved the family safely on, and Benjy had left on a mission with James immediately there after. Everything was fine, Moody assured me in his rough, gravely voice. I chose a bed and went for a much-needed shower. After I felt clean enough, I made my way down to the kitchen to see where I could be of use. What I found instead was Sirius with his head in his hands, Alice who I'd barely seen since graduating standing next to him with her fist in her mouth and her other hand on his head and Gideon Prewitt speaking with Moody in hushed tones.

Alice looked up at my entrance and gave a small hiccup before saying, "Lily, it's James."

Normally in such situations people say they grow cold all over. I certainly didn't. There was a warmth that began at my toes and burned all the way to the top of my head until I felt that my whole body might explode from it. Without another word, I grabbed a cloak from the peg on the kitchen wall and apparated to the entrance of Saint Mungo's.

Saint Mungo's for the moment was impartial to blood prejudice. Unlike most official wizarding businesses the hospital staff did not inquire about your "blood status" as the term was then. A few of the more considerate healers and their assistants did not ask for a family name and did not question you when the name you gave was obviously a fake. They treated anyone and everyone and it was understood that it was the hospital's position to remain neutral for as long as they could.

I entered the hospital and presented my wand to the security guard who then pointed me to the reception area. I asked after James Potter, and when it was established that I was not immediate family, I was told I'd have to wait until he was out of spell damage. So I sat. And I waited. And after I was finally through waiting, I broke all sorts of hospital regulation, cast a disillusionment charm and sneaked into the spell damage ward.

The disillusionment charm wasn't my best work, but the staff was busy enough that I could sneak by if I stuck to the shadows. His room wasn't difficult to find, and thankfully he was there alone. In muggle hospital, you see people hooked up to machines and monitors, tubes down their throats to help them breath, pumping in medicine and the like. In a wizard's hospital there was nothing more than a bed, and a wand-like rod that hung over the headboard, monitoring his

condition. I was no healer, but even I could tell it wasn't good. The color red was glowing out of the tip and spilling over his beaten face. The color red is never a good sign, and I learned that day that neither were green, blue, purple or yellow or any of the other shades spreading over his body. I was sick at the sight of him and wanted nothing more than to run away. The Lily from a year or two before would have. But I was no longer that girl. I was a woman, a soldier now. Even if I didn't feel quite so strong, I sucked in a breath and went to him.

* * *

"I want to know what in the bloody hell happened out there Fenwick, and I want to know _n__o__w__,__" _yelled Sirius. I felt bad for Benjy at that moment, but Sirius had a damn good point. James had been unconscious for 2 days, and his _p__ar__t__n__er _Benjy Fenwick just happened to show up at an Order safe house completely _un__s__c__a__t__hed. _Odd wasn't quite the word for it.

Benjy, very quietly, repeated what he had already told Auror Moody and Professor Dumbledore during his debriefing.

"I don't remember. I don't know how I got here, and I don't know where I came here from. The last thing I remember is leaving here with James, and then Alice finding me on the stoop this morning." He gulped, and then straightened his shoulders. Looking Sirius dead in the eye, he said,

"I've already submitted to oculmency and to questioning under the truth serum. By Moody, no less, which yielded nothing. I don't know what you want me to say, Sirius but I'm not staying here a moment longer." With that he slammed out of the room.

Sirius stopped to look around for the first time since the beginning of his tirade and found the room staring at him. Everyone had the same suspicions about Benjy, but it had been made more than clear that he could not have had much to do with what happened,whatever it was. Sirius was looking for someone to blame, for someone to hurt as much as he was hurting at that moment. With nothing more to say, he slammed out of the room, loudly enough that the door frame shook and we all flinched.

* * *

I was getting sloppy. Or perhaps it was the result of too many hours on guard without sleep and food breaks in between shifts. This was the third order meeting I'd nearly slept through. As of that moment there wasn't much they could do to make me slow down, but if I were to be caught nodding off during briefings I'd be put on leave for sure. Nothing frightened me more than the threat of being stuck in that small, drafty flat alone with my thoughts.

Since his attack, James' recovery had been slow and we were short too many for regular patrols and recovery missions. Unfortunately the recruitment rates and sympathy for the other side grew by the day. Not necessarily because people agreed with the method, but more because they were terrified of being on the losing side of the game. Many said they had families to think of, to protect. When examined individually, every reason made sense. Seeing a rational side to my enemies did not agree with me, but such was the life of hidden soldiers battling through an invisible war.

I thought of all these things as I struggled to keep my eyes bloody open. Benjy Fenwick noticed my plight and conjured me a strong cup of tea. Most of us in the

Order had absolved him of any wrongdoing based on the evidence provided by the pensive. Even Sirius was, however reluctantly, coming around. But there was still an unspoken nagging feeling inside me, boiling just below the surface. Benjy remembered everything, but James remembered nothing. His recollections were fuzzy to the point of being unreadable in the pensive, as if they'd been tampered with. Benjy's memories were so clear that I began to imagine they'd been sanitized. Of course, I kept this to myself. Only one day as I watched James sweat and grit his teeth through his recovery exercises, I decided I couldn't anymore and I petitioned for a meeting with Albus Dumbledore.

"This was organized," I said.

"Very well organized. They were ambushed; someone knew enough to give coordinates precise enough that they would be found but not so detailed as to be tracked back. This had to have come from us." I didn't want to believe it, but I did; my voice was shaking with how much I believed it.

"So are you suggesting that Mr. Fenwick was compromised?" His face had aged tremendously in these last few months.

I paused at this, considering what I would say next very, very carefully. Swallowing my uncertainties I answered, "no, sir. Just that well, as we've seen their memories have clearly been tampered with, and by different wizards. The styles don't match; one was erased completely and the other was…sanitized. It was too well planned, two oculmency experts in the same ambush? There is no way this was a random attack on a random sweep of the area. What other conclusions can one draw, sir?"

"All right then Ms. Evans," he said. "Once again, I am asking you directly, do you believe Mr. Fenwick is the member of this party that has been compromised?"

It dawned on me then, what the question really was. "I think so sir, but I also firmly believe that Mr. Fenwick does not remember even being approached for the supposed 'betrayal'. It's beyond him now," I answered with a confidence I did not feel.

"Well, then. This is indeed a problem."

The Professor said he would look into Benjy's memories and attempt to determine any foreign magical signatures. He said that he would deal with it personally, and see to it that he not be assigned anything else for the time being. That he be kept out of meetings. As it would turn out, none of this would be necessary. Because in short order, all we would find of Benjy Fenwick would be pieces scattered through the woods.

* * *

_A/N: This has been kicking around in my hard drive for months upon months. If you are still reading, I thank you sincerely, it means a lot to me. I want to finish this off soon, and I will just as soon as I figure out how._

_-M_


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